Monday, August 31, 2009

DISASTERS IN DATING: case of the ex.....

this is for the ladies!

when it comes to the case of the ex...i think i am well versed enough on the topic to be considered an expert. i have dealt with an ex...been an ex... hated the ex....loved being the ex...missed the ex...had the ex...lost the ex... turned down the ex...counseled the ex...get the picture?

with all my experience with the EX factor, i thought i'd give some tips on how to handle being the ex and also how to handle your ex. by all means im not saying my word is law...but it should be. ;-)


when you're the ex: when a relationship ends there are a roller coaster of emotions that you go through. but when it's possible, try to keep your head about you. it's easy to fall victim to dramatics (trust me, been there & done that) but go against the grain & incorporate some class. the more you call him, try to see him...the more you're going to push him away. besides, if he chose to leave...let him. he doesn't deserve to see your tears or know how much he hurt you. RETAIN YOUR POWER! so behind those closed doors you can kick, scream, cry, curse, & lose sleep all you want....but as soon as you walk outside, make sure your face is a perfectly painted picture of cool, calm, collectedness. also, don't allow anyone to make you feel bad for hurting. BE HURT...it's okay. but be sure to get busy doing something so that this hurt doesn't consume who you are. the faster you get back to being you, the easier this transition out of heartbreak will be.

when the ex won't let go: i am a firm UNbeliever in closure. there is no such thing. the questions you have or he has may not always have the answers either party wants to hear. this then leads to even more questions that may not have a "logical" answer. matter of fact, break ups aren't even always logical...cuz seriously, what is logical about that incessant ache in the pit of your stomach? sleepless nites? days without food? logic and heartbreak don't belong in the same sentence. the best thing you can do when you have a case of the ex not letting go, is not feed into it. it may hurt you....it may hurt him, but ceasing ALL communication is the best way to put a damper in the ex's quest for reconciliation (although unrequited).

when you can't let go: be mature. now ladies, i know we are tempted to pull a RING THE ALARM act, but be mature about the situation. if the relationship is over, let it be over. easier said than done...yes i know. you feel like an integral part of who you are is now long gone & daily functions are hard...but be mature. if your guy has moved on...let him be happy. being mature enough to let someone be happy is the classiest thing you can ever do. im not simply talking out of my ass here ladies, i've always said that "i never want to be the reason for his unhappiness" & if i wasn't making him happy then im glad it ended. hard to admit? of course! women have egos too. but i never called, texted, or emailed in hopes of getting back with him. hard to swallow? of course! when you're in this situation, it's important that you take all the time you need to ween yourself off of this drug called "him". that means, NO DIPPING BACK. if the relationship is over, don't continue a sexual relationship. i've seen this happen and it just makes moving on THAT much harder. this is a huge NO NO if your ex is in a new relationship... respect yourself more. you deserve more than a part time lover. if he's gonna cheat, don't let it be with you. do you really wanna be with someone who is STILL cheating?? you must not be THAT special if he is only creeping with you at midnight but loving her in the daylight.


when you want to be friends with the ex: time is the only answer to this. when my ex & i broke up i thought we could just go back to being friends....so not the case. even after months and months had passed, i never understood why he couldn't be my friend. well three years later i found out. yea three years....three years of no contact with someone who professed undying love. it was crazy, but MUCH needed. when we finally got back in touch with each other, we discussed EVERYTHING. love was still there..simply because you can't just STOP loving someone. but time fades the IN part. so no, we aren't IN love...but there is deep care that goes beyond the time spent apart. in this new found friendship he told me why we couldn't be friends. he didn't want to stir up problems in his new relationship knowing the new gal was insecure when it came to me. *gasp* me?? lol why oh why would that be an issue? idk, i AM pretty darn cool. nah, but i understood his point. and he also said that he was really hurt over the breakup & simply couldn't be around me. so ladies, we must remember that men hurt too. the "let's be friends" line is for movies & tv. in real life, breakups & friendships aren't that cut & dry. both parties need to time to cool off, heal, & move on before a purely PLATONIC friendship can form.


basically ladies...and gentlemen... matters of the heart are always hard. there are no rules or remedies, only words of wisdom that you should meditate on so you can try to make the least amount of regrettable decisions as possible. stop the cycle of hurt, don't rush relationships, keep the lines of communication open, & be responsible. juggling someone's heart is scary and dropping it is even scarier.


the best piece advice i've ever received?? "spend more time being happy"- E.Sams



questions?comments?concerns?

let me know!


drink, drive, have sex, & love...responsibly.


xoxo,
miaMcK

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