Friday, December 14, 2012

POETICALLY INCLINED: who are you then?

when you are by yourself ....

far removed from the opinions of others

mistakes you've made, paint your skin

like a mockery of body art.

residue of salt trails streak your face from tears that have been long dried.

stripped down and bare, no space for secrets to hide.

who are you then?

with honesty strapped to your chest like a bullet proof vest

guarding your heart from the facades you force feed to the world.

who are you then?

does love still ooze from your pores like overactive sweat glands

are you gentle with self as you are with the feelings of "friends"?

are you still you.

is this when you allow yourself to process the dealings of the days before

take off the layers of lies labeled "I'm okay" "I love you, TOO"

and the infamous "I am over him"

who are you then?

imperfections on display, do you stare at them or avert your eyes out of shame?

when forgiveness is the only flaw you really struggle with...

forgive self.

love self.

learn self.

without the "them" or "him" or the "it"

who are you then?





xo,

McK

Friday, November 23, 2012

POETICALLY INCLINED: bottom line

I love you

when you piss me off, when you hurt me.

it doesn't fade or go away.

it hangs, suspended in the air like the lingering of a favorite fragrance.





and I love you.





xo, McK

Saturday, November 17, 2012

PLAYLIST: if I had one wish.....

Brandy definitely sang my life on "wish your love away" off her new album Two Eleven. It is slightly tragic when something and someone that was once the source of good feelings, becomes the cause of hurt. the kind of hurt where you start believing in magic. believing that if you wish hard enough, that love and all things tied to it will go away....that is soooome kind of space to be in. When you question everything that the person ever said, like was that real??? Who can act that wonderfully? Act like they loved, cared, wanted you? that is just...strange to me. But I am beyond grateful for music....it truly heals. I have reached the point of no return and I am so happy to be here. I love how God has this crazy, amazing way of revealing things at the perfect time. Like just when I wanted to text and tell him how much I miss him, how much I love him....pictures surface, reminding me exactly why I made the decision to really really walk away. good looking out universe, you really spared me some hurt feelings. the way I see it, I no longer have to wish this love away....seems to be long gone. crazy how something that could have been so right was such a sham. lol. i don't think I have ever been deceived soooooo much. THAT blows my mind. the words...the lies. someone I thought I knew, thought I could trust, thought was my FRIEND....really created a web of lust, deceit, confusion, lies, disrespect, etc etc. no wonder they say the line between love and hate is so thin, I'm on the brink. but I know I can't allow myself to go there. "Keep your heart sweet". this can't be worth that much energy, I refuse to give this anymore of me. no anger, no bitterness, no hate....no worries. matter of fact, i forgive you. wishes may not work, but prayer does. I'm not even going to allow Mia to be consumed in any negative emotions or thoughts. it's all good, have a blessed life. xo, McK

Saturday, November 10, 2012

LIFE AND SUCH : start over....

I heard that what ever it is that you spend 3 years working hard and diligently at, you will perfect. I want to be perfect at 30. my interest in fitness is at an all time high. by no means do I want to be a female body builder...but I want muscles!!!! "write it and make it plain..." I am dedicated to doing some serious renovations on me. better health, better fitness, better emotional dealings, better finances, better everything. my heart, my mind, my spirit .....those things are already shaped and flourishing. yo, really though....I'm tempted to shave my head and zone out. timing is EVERYTHING and now is not the time for a relationship or outside distractions. I, for the first time in a looooong while, am being selfish with me. I give access to people who are so undeserving. not everyone should be privy to my most precious parts (heart, body, mind, spirit). no more poison. no alcohol, no sex, no leisure smoking. (Check, check, check...already done). stop the insanity. can't keep doing the SAME things expecting different results. so this is me removing my strait jacket and checking out of the crazy house. life gets better when you do.... start over. xo, McK

Friday, November 9, 2012

DISASTERS IN DATING: QUEEN me....

Reading through the past couple of years of this blog has given me a headache. Is this really what my life has been about? being hurt? gaaaaah, I can NOT even deal. granted, there haven't been many guys to hurt me....but the same ones were given chance after chance after chance to hurt me, repeatedly. I am CRAZY! a Queen loving beneath her means. never no more. I have cried too much over guys who have not been what they promised to be when they were supposed to be. how hard is it to be honest? to be a friend? a support system.....a confidant....a spiritual partner???? am I nuts to believe that love IS easy?? I truly do not get how guys simply refuse to act like the Kings that they are ....that we, the Queens, need and deserve. smh. this world is screwed up. too much lust. too many broken and bitter people who don't even realize they are broken and bitter. in love....real love, there is only room for two. that's me and you. there are way too many fckd up things going on in the world, LOVE should not be another one. I'm hurt....I acknowledge that. this one happens to hurt more than the other two. I have NEVER EVER been passionate about any person. I was PASSIONATE about this one. felt ...or feels? ....like pieces of me were (are) tied to him. it is a crazy aching feeling. but I numb it as much as possible with any and everything I can. but I know it is still there.....in the pit of my stomach, on the left side of my chest, it is everywhere. but, no worries, this too shall pass. and the slight tarnish of my crown will simply be a sign of character. Queen me..... xo, McK

Saturday, September 29, 2012

DISASTERS IN DATING: fix my life...

The other day I was finally able to catch Iyanla Vanzant's show "Fix My Life" featuring reality star Evelyn Lozada. baaaaaaaaby, let me tell you....i got my LIFE! one of the hardest things is truly loving yourself, knowing your worth and LIVING in it. i am currently on that journey. loving someone and letting them go when every fiber of your heart is still attached to them....is brutal. i am in a place that is so out of the norm. i find myself being angry, A LOT. mean, bitchy....upset because the person i love doesn't love me how i deserve. i was driving home the other night, crying my head off on the freeway. talking to God, asking Him to forgive me for allowing myself to be treated in a way so unworthy of what i deserve. told Him that i am embarrassed for the bits and pieces of happy i have been accepting. how dare i, as God's child, allow someone to not love me properly?? i am angry....i am frustrated...i am tired. i give of myself too much, fight too hard for men who haven't done the same. i'm angry at myself. love shouldn't hurt. i want a man who encourages me....is excited about my work and dreams. cares about my day and well being. make time for me, make time for love. annnd i want him to want me when i want him. not after i have moved on (shoutout to the exes). i am fixing my life. mind, body, spirit, heart. and to you....i'll love you always. you da best baby...every single day. xoxo, Mia McK

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Poetically Inclined: I had a moment....

Tonight I had a moment, felt like I had given up on love.

Took a minute, but I remembered that it is God.

how dare I be so hurt that I give up on Him.

He who would do anything for me, it's bigger than him.

Tonight I was on the edge. At that point where only your BEST friend can reach.

She talked me down from an unnecessary space, where love was nonexistent to me.

I had a moment of pure and honest hurt. I felt the disappointment seeping out of my eyes disguised as tears.

frustration anxiously waiting to pour out of my veins like open wounds of past years.





I had a moment tonight....





xo

MiaMcK

DISASTERS IN DATING: I'm sorry.....

It's true, the power of an apology is real. I need one from you. Sorry for the lies, sorry for wasting my time. Perhaps, if you're sorry for hurting me...you can throw an apology in for that. What's crazy is not being able to tell you exactly how fucked up you are. The sheer disrespect for me, our friendship, our ....shared moments. That hurts most. It took months and months and months to get to this point of letting you go, you letting me go, letting go...completely. While it is such a huge relief to be out of the clutches of disappointment, it is insanely painful to lose a friend. you forgot my dopeness. Forgot to tell me I'm beautiful. And I'm pretty sure it slipped your mind to remind me that I'm amazing, that I'm special to you.... Because you used to know those things about me. Used to tell me those things. You should be sorry you forgot, but I don't think you are. How unfortunate. I will be fine. So will you. But I am tapping out. Decided to spend some time with me. Grind season starts now. I forgive you.....I don't even need your apology. Thank God we are done. I regret you. xo, Mia McK

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

LIFE AND SUCH: it aint fair.....

the way that i love, it just aint fair. give and give and give. and what? i can't even complain because i would not be Mia without loving how i do. i do without expectation of that same thing being done in return. and i don't ask for much, maybe i should. at 26 years old....i find myself over it. what ever "it" may be. i tried. and i'm okay being done. because i truly tried. the games that are currently being played can continue on.....without me. God first. then Mia. if your list of priorities don't mirror that, i have nothing for you. i'm done making excuses for how i've been treated lately. it's not okay, bottom line. there will be no dramatic display of feelings upon departure. there will simply be no more trying. the lack of CARE in this current situation is something i have NEVER experienced. every single guy that has told me he LOVES me...has shown an awesome amount of CARE for me as well. i've NEVER had a guy "love" me and not truly have my best interest at heart. this is new and uncomfortable and it isn't fair. momentarily blinded to what has been right in my face....this aint fair. this aint right. and i told him before that how i feel will never change, that wasn't a lie. my FEELINGS toward him won't change....but my availability to him, patience with him?? those things have changed. Julian, i love you. you are not ready to provide what i require. let me go. xoxo, MiaMcK

Friday, March 16, 2012

LIFE AND SUCH: Dysfunctional Superwoman

my powers are waning.
not from kryptonite, but from care.
i am weak from caring too much.
i have a tendency to take on everything my family and friends are going through.
it's hard, it's draining...but that is all i know.
operate out of love. save everyone. support, encourage, pour into all.
i honestly don't know how to be any other way, but i must figure out a way to tap into an unlimited source of energy and goodness. God knows i need it.
i am humbled and very grateful that God has seen fit to make me a source of light for His people, i just pray i never dim too low.


dear you reading this,
i love you. i care. it is my most fervent prayer that God bestows an abundance of GOODNESS on you and every situation you may be facing. and if you don't know Him personally, i can promise you that He is beyond amazing and so worth getting to know. His love is literally out of this world. TRY HIM!


love always,
your Dysfunctional Superwoman

POETICALLY INCLINED: Japan, JKB Inspired

the shadows of clouds on the ocean.
all I can think about is you.
there is something so profound in soaring further than the point of which your eyesight can reach.
all I can think about is you.
in mere hours I spanned thousands and thousands of miles.
passed over millions of people, moments, situations, emotions, and cultures.
all I can think about is you.
5463 miles.
every inch, yard, mile that I travel away from you brings my heart closer..
you are literally all I can think about.
grow closer, grow better, grow with you.
because all I think about is you.

---------------

there is no one that i want more than you.
i am in awe of all you do and all you are.
you frustrate me, you piss me off, you inspire me to be better.
i want your love.
because my love is all that i have to give to you.
take it, freely.


JKB inspired.



xoxo,
MiaMcK

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

DISASTERS IN DATING: fighting for love....

all i have ever wanted was someone that would fight for me.
ask me to stay.
show me that they want me as much as i want them.

i am tired of fighting for love.

i've never been this open. *sigh* here goes nothing.....

i chase my father.

i reach out to him. i call on him. i cry out for him.
and he never came....he never comes for me.

my dad never fought for me. never stayed for me. i always thought that if i loved him enough that he would love me enough.

never happened.

this is my daddy issue.

the one i thought i never had. but after 26 years i have finally discovered exactly what it is. i don't know how to change it, don't know how to conquer it.

i find myself loving too hard, loving too deep all in hopes of that person loving me juuuust enough.

i feel like im in a boxing ring fighting for love by myself.
packing bags of love, pretending to leave....wanting them to make me stay.

they let me go. they all let me go.

i love and i love and i love.
i open myself up, become vulnerable and get hurt.

im tired of fighting for love.


i want someone that will fight for me.
protect me.

because i am taking these gloves off, throwing in the towel....and stepping out of the ring.

love has beat me the fuck up.


im tired of fighting for love.






xoxo,
MiaMcK

Thursday, January 12, 2012

DISASTERS IN DATING: done and done

"that l-o and that v-e is all that i believe in" -MiaMcK




I AM OKAY!!!!

i am absolutely and completely okay being done with my previous relationship. we have sucked every drop of "try again" out of US and we are done. craziest part of it all? it doesn't hurt. i feel nothing but relief. there were moments when i thought i lost me.....i wasn't lost though. i was silenced.

too many times he made me feel like things were my fault, but they weren't. an insecure man is someone i NEVER thought i'd end up with. but i did....lesson learned.

"when someone shows you who they are, believe them"

no really, BELIEVE THEM.

apologies, forgiveness, love, and a couple of good times will not change who they are at their core. so, BELIEVE THEM. i tried so so so so very hard to stick it out and fight for love. i can't fight for something or someone who was already defeated.

looking back, i went back for a reason. i had to see if i could do anything differently to make it work. i loved more, i communicated more, i listened more....and nothing. me being me was too much for that relationship.

i can't dim my light or my love. i can't neglect my essence all for the sake of an insecure man's ego.

such is life.

we live, learn, and love again.

chapter 13 is closed. *weight lifted*

i don't regret anything. i appreciate it all. learned A LOT. loved A LOT. i fulfilled my purpose in that relationship and came to the conclusion that the anointing on our lives are like oil and water, they don't mix.

6 months ago i would have never imagined writing these words, believing these words, or LIVING these words.

but here i am. a whole, healed, beautiful, and fully functioning person. how amazing is life? how amazing is God!!??!

"my heart is mended. i'm whole again. no chains are holding me. got my liberty, i am healed!"




xx,
MiaMcK

Thursday, January 5, 2012

DISASTERS IN DATING: the next step....




we know we have it.
every single piece of the puzzle is here.
now, how do we turn the fragments into the bigger, more beautiful picture?


you said you were waiting for the BS to run its course..... the BS is gone.

what next?

we're the "better" that we both NEED.


i am ready when you are.

my beautiful Julian.



xoxo,
MiaMcK

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

DISASTERS IN DATING: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

well hello there 2012!

i am so excited about another day, another year, another moment of LIFE!
how awesome is it that God saw fit that we continue on into 2012?
humbled. blessed. GRATEFUL!

i don't have any NY resolutions. there are just things that i began last year that i will continue doing.

the main thing, i will NOT press pause on my life for anyone. live for SELF. live for GOD.

i had gotten in the habit of sacrificing myself (wants, needs, desires, happiness, etc) for the sake of an "US" that was no longer...and for a "HIM" that wouldn't do the same for me.

what a way to live.

the end of 2011 i began to get back to just Mia. doing, saying, believing, loving, behaving in a way that is absolutely true to ME. and it feels AMAAAAAZING!

it wouldn't be fair to myself or the people in my life if i continued living in a way that was a lesser version of my truest self. so i stopped.

i can honestly say that the scariest thing is breaking the bonds of COMFORT.

a few weeks ago, someone extremely special to me told me some real sh*t. he said "you enjoy what you're used to a lot more than the actual act of being happy and that's a shame......you want comfort. i'm not something that i want you to be "used to" or "comfortable with". i want you to be happy. you havent learned that and i cant make you"

WOW! talk about a blow of truth. i had to take his words and seriously meditate on them. obviously he was right.

but now that i KNOW he was right....how do i become right?

for the first time in years, i said NO.
i made a conscious decision to put me first and truly recognize what's best for Mia.

it hurt so good.


what a way to start 2012...with a solid "NO".



xoxo,
MiaMcK