today...not so good. i feel absolutely sick to my stomach. the anxiety has returned and i feel tears literally on the brink of my eyes.
*give me a moment*
no one really knows how i feel. my words don't do me justice. i can still hide my hurt behind them. saying one thing but really meaning something else.
"it kills me, to know how much i really love you...."
today would have been the start of 9 months together. everything seemed to fall apart so quickly and i just feel so helpless. but i gotta pull it together because i have so many people looking at me expecting me to be okay. expecting me to just brush it off and keep it pushing.
Mia isn't supposed to hurt. Mia isn't supposed to cry and be sad. happy happy joy joy. *blank stare* please, audience....shut the fcuk up & let me hurt. my emotions are on display....but that doesn't mean you're allowed to touch them.
i loved him.....no, i love him. it's starting to hit me now. not waking up next to him. not cooking or cleaning for him. not kissing him. not touching him. not seeing him. as i type this i literally feel like i'm suffocating because i'm struggling to keep the tears from falling.
BUT, i know we aren't supposed to be together right now. the goodness between us got lost somewhere and either it's gone forever oooor we just aren't willing to find it.
this......this was supposed to work.
damn, i just want that old thing back.
reading old journal entries makes me remember how excited i was about this.
in the beginning there was us...only us.
now i feel like we're contaminated. US is not pure.
i just want that old thing back.
we were never perfect, but we were "WE". as much as i get him....as much as i understand him.....i don't think he got me.
this is me being EXTREMELY vulnerable. i don't care what anyone says....i don't care who doesn't understand. i miss the man who loved to cuddle. i miss the man who made me feel beyond beautiful. i miss us.
I love you.
i know we can work.
we need work.
gotta find our way back.
if you're a bird......i'm a bird baby.