Saturday, September 25, 2010

DISASTERS IN DATING: officially moving on....

it has been 28 days since i've seen him, and communication has been almost as scarce.
it's safe to say that it is time to officially move on. i am finally coming out of my 2 week funk and realizing that in order to get better i have to get moving. i've been torturing myself lately. visiting his twitter and facebook pages....i even looked at his blog knowing he RARELY updates that. i've even checked his website for new additions and revisions lol. but now, i realize that the more i check up on a life i'm no longer a part of...the more i will hurt. so instead of just going through the motions of my life, i will actively participate in it. i will consciously enjoy my friends and the time spent with them. i will come out of my own head & heart space in order to feel the sun, hear my laughter, and activate my smile.

the relationship is over.
the relationship is over.
the relationship is over.
the relationship is over.
the relationship is over.
the relationship is over.
the relationship is over.
the relationship is over.
the relationship is over.
the relationship is over.
the relationship is over.
the relationship is over.
the relationship is over.

*sigh* i had to say those words out loud, because just writing them doesn't seem to be enough to convince my heart that the relationship is in FACT....over. #ouch. today is my last day of contact. time to reprogram. my life must go on. this doesn't mean i won't hurt, cry, or miss him. this just means i am prepared to let go & let LIFE happen.

i'm good.....well, i'm getting back to being good.

this is me, officially moving on.


Cyrah Austin Hawkins,
as much as,WE ....
as much as we both wanted this to work, it didn't.
i won't place blame. we are both responsible for this failure.
we had some good times and i won't let the hurt of a broken heart
cause me to forget them. i pray that you first find and LOVE God.
then, in finding and forging your relationship with Him...i pray you find YOU.
i don't have to pray for you to find love, because i am sure that will come easily.
BUT, i do pray that the love is the epitome of 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love.
unconditional, forgiving, pure, comforting, honest, enduring.
i don't regret anything. i don't regret us. you helped me open my heart again.
i will forever be grateful to you for that.
u broke down my wall/guard & climbed right on in.
so thank you.
perhaps one day we'll be friends again.
but until then....
may wisdom, love, faith, happiness, courage, and favor never leave you.
i'll love you forever
& will always carry you in my heart.
your scent, your fingerprints, & our memories...will linger.

see you next lifetime baby.

& as confident. be charismatic. be CYRAH....GYSO! *smile*

...faded pictures....


p.s. this will be my last blog regarding him and this situation.

the end.....

Friday, September 24, 2010

THEME MUSIC: a GRENADE you'll Never forget

had your eyes wide open....why were they open?

thank you Bruno, i think i am beginning to really like you.

and to my bff @whenf....your GENIUS never ceases to amaze me. i can't wait for the world to experience you through your music.

delete pics.
cover scent.
love & lust.
but never forget.


DEAR SUMMER: now that you're gone...

i am excited to welcome Fall.
the past two weeks i have been MORE than out of it.
the break up FINALLY really hit me....hard.
the energy was sucked right out of me.
dare i say i was tip toein' around some type of MINOR depression.
literally, my whole body hurt.
this morning....this early early morning i began to feel inspired.
in my weakness, i am beyond strong.
there, amidst the dark clouds, i see a glimmer of light.
people who know me, know that when i am in one place too long
i feel trapped. i like to get up and go at the drop of a dime.
i am the QUEEN of leaving.
not running....but experiencing new environments.
i am kids, no relationship.
no ties. i can move freely.
as much as i LOVE the LA scene and living in Cali....
east coast living is necessary. EVERYONE should experience it sometime in life.
why not now?
dilemma. i have been sending out my rezzy A LOT so i know it will be getting hits soon.
this is why i am waiting until the end of October to officially transition outta here.
with this in mind, i was TOTALLY caught off guard when the west coast general manager for ALEXIS BITTAR called me last nite.
they begin interviews next week for their new west coast stores.
i am also heading to DC around the first week of October to pound the pavement in person.
needless to say, this will be a crucial month.
October pretty much determines whether i stay in LaLa land....
or begin a new adventure in the Chocolate City.

we shall see.....


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

MY 2 CENTS: let the church prEy....

I am not even going to read the details of this Bishop Eddie Long scandal.
i will just pray.
it is not my job to pass judgment on the Bishop or the accusers.
i will just pray.
the Christian community is falling apart.
where are the wrinkle and spot free churches?
but as my Bishop always says,
we go to church for GOD not the people.
my faith in God isn't dependent on how perfect or imperfect
my pastor/bishop/priest is.
my faith in God comes from knowing Jesus as my personal savior.
#thatisall #thatiseverything
we are merely men.
we WILL fail.
when our spiritual leaders fall victim to their flesh,
that doesn't make me turn away from church or God.....
reading these silly gossip blogs and the comments makes me sick.
so easily the devil is glorified.

i will pray for God to have the last laugh. to God be the glory.
my faith is in the almighty.


i def posted a comment over on
just because all of those people commenting were so ignorant and LOST.
makes me sad...what is our world coming to?

*cue Mary Mary* "i wanna gooooooo to HEAVEN!!!"

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

DISASTERS IN DATING: give me a moment...

old emails have me bugging out. a year ago my toes were touching the edges of new love. now the water in that pool is murky and uninviting.

still, i'm dying to swim.

breath held, underwater sluggishly swimming through it all. hoping the water hides these tears that keep falling.

drown already.
lungs filled with love.
suffocating on it.

one year ago he swore he'd follow me to Sheol Hell.
well i've been here painting my nails & still.....i'm alone.

i guess this is my long awaited break down. avoided it for so long and now it's wrapped around my whole body.



give me a moment to ummm grieve.
allow me to hurt, cry, & miss him freely.
i'm entitled to this.

THEME MUSIC: please return my call....

it's been too long since i've seen yo face.
since i smelled the fragrance of your perfume.
& i can't get a hold of myself no more.
i tried to play it cool, but im simply breakin breakin down....

only we know what we lost....


QUOTABLES: no "moonlight"...even less sunshine

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
you make me happy when skies are gray.
you'll never know dear, how much i love you.
please don't take my sunshine away.....

dear blogger babies,
sh*t isn't good.
not totally bad....
but SO not good.
i miss him.


shadows on your MOONLIGHT.
she's lost her way.
13 compasses, wrong direction.
find your way back.
love is waiting......


Friday, September 17, 2010


and all i can feel is hurt and confusion.
he's the only one i want to talk to....but i can't.
he's the only one that can make it better...but he won't.

i knew that once i let the tears fall, they'd never stop.
floodgates are now open.
it heart. my life. my love. my pain. my confusion.
who cares what anyone else thinks.

i absolutely do not want to leave.
but he pushes and pushes and pushes,
forceful fingerprints all over my body.
so everday i leave.
& every nite my heart goes back.
anchored to unfinished business. love with a fool who won't get out of his own way & let love live.

stop hurting me.


Wednesday, September 15, 2010

QUOTABLES: just leave already....

"you never see it coming, you just get to see it go...." -drake

silly of me to even think to have confidence in you.
now that i've spoken my heart, i feel MUCH better about leaving.
i see you making absolutely NO effort to change...not for me.
but what about making yourself better for YOU...??
are you THAT selfish that you would sabotage your future because
you're too stubborn to get out of your own way?
i feel sorry for you.
blatantly pushing me away.
tsk tsk...glad i wont be around when this comes and bites you in the ass.
as much as this hurts, it kinda doesn't.
it's like a numb feeling.
i did my chose not to do yours., i'm done.



p.s. i'm SO frustrated. "hurt turns to anger......friends turn to strangers". to think he can walk away so easily after professing his so-called love for me, after telling me that a relationship with me is what he wants. smh so full of sh*t!! as much as i hate him.....i love him even more. this sucks ass!!!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

DISASTERS IN DATING: what about your friends....

12:50a i received a call from a pretty coo friend of mine. he and i aren't super tight but we have had plenty of phone convos and have hung out a few times as well. our conversation was interesting to say the least. he told me that he had high hopes for my relationship and felt bad about seeing that it came to an end. he is in a relationship right now and felt that a few months ago we were on the same track as far as having love in our lives.

anywho, to hear the outside perspective of someone regarding my relationship and my friends was pretty crazy. he felt that, based on observations, my friends didn't support my relationship. i was baffled because i honestly felt the same way. he never met Cyrah or seen us interacting, but he supported my relationship from afar.

friends and relationships don't ever mix. opinions are okay....judgments aren't. most of my friends weren't used to me being in a relationship, so when i spent more time with him they felt neglected. neglect was never my intent. i was never in town so girl-time was limited, yes. but i have never been the type to let my world revolve around a man. and i will never be that type.

all of my friends know that i am very confident and strong-minded, so i could really careless if they hated Cyrah, if he was my choice...that was all there was to it. i was the one in the relationship, not them.

the point of this being that the older you get, the less involved your friends should be in your relationship. plain and simple.


TWITTER ME THIS: trigga trey....

tonight i was previewing Trey Songz's new album and giving my feedback via twitter. he happened to "love" one of my comments and proceeded to retweet me and tell me so.

this is his second time communicating with me on twitter and once again, it caused a frenzy. lmbo. i think he loves me. anywho, i really really really really like Passion, Pain, & Pleasure and hopefully his fans support him to the fullest. great album...can't wait to get it next week!


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

PLAYLIST: flip, roll, pop.

in the words of ME.... FLIP, ROLL, POP. flip ur hair, roll your eyes, and pop your gum. that's exactly what i'll be doing as i jam to this new joint by Willow Smith.

to the disgusting people who talk badly about this LITTLE GIRL, you should be ashamed of yourselves. i couldn't believe the comments i read on the gossip blogs about this song and child. why would you call a child WACK?? in what world is that okay? you've got to be kidding!

anywho, i support the Smith family! love love love them!

so go 'head Little Willow, do your thang! i dig all of your laced up pants glory!


DISASTERS IN DATING: roses and thorns....

Monday I was watching a rerun of The View with President Obama as the guest. Joy asked President Obama if he still sits down with his family at the end of the day to discuss the ROSE and THORN of their day. I thought this was interesting because it puts life into perspective. You could be having what seems to be the worst day ever while you're actually going through it, but once the day is over if you sit back and think back on it there was probably SOMETHING that went right. Even if it was something as "insignificant" as a text message from an old friend just to say hello. That small gesture very well may be the rose amongst a thistle of thorns. I love that President Obama is instilling APPRECIATION into his daughters because so often we forget to appreciate...especially the small things.

So, i decided to incorporate "roses & thorns" into my life....hopefully it helps me to keep my eye steady on a positive target.

With break ups, a lot of times it's easy to feel like the bad is consuming you. Sometimes we have to step outside of ourselves in order to see that things aren't AS bad as we feel they are.

ROSE: for 3 years i was single. it wasn't always something that i loved but it was a necessary phase in my life. I was able to properly deal with all emotions from my previous relationship and I had a chance to fully understand all lessons I learned from it. 3 years of single living also led me to believe that a relationship was so out of my scope of vision that it would be dang near impossible for me to allow myself to become someone's girlfriend. I made up in my mind that my next REALationship would be the one that led me down that aisle. i was confident in this because i have been cautious with my heart. i don't let just anyone in. along came Cyrah.

here was the first man in over 5 years that i let in so easily. the first man that i actually wanted to let in and felt 100% comfortable doing so. i remember telling myself that "even if this doesn't work out, I am happy that he has helped me feel again". i said this not really expecting for this NOT to work out. *sigh* but nevertheless, FEELING again is my ROSE. my beautiful, beautiful rose. caring for someone, thinking of US and not me, giving myself freely.....LOVING. that is my rose. and no matter how i feel today, tomorrow, or next week...nothing & no one can take away what i felt when he kissed me. what i felt when i woke up next to him. what i felt when we loved. i won't let the bad in our relationship cause me to dismiss the good. i will hold on to that knowing that someday...i WILL feel that again. are my ROSE.

THORN: simply put, failure. i am absolutely terrified of heartache, i suppose that is why i hold my breath every time i feel sadness creeping to my surface. i refuse to feel that....even though i know it's there. #numb. my high expectations for this relationship are shattered and the obvious failure is a dreadful thorn in my side. i never wanted to be one of those girls who go through numerous heartaches and countless BS relationships....for nothing. i take pride in the fact that i am able to quickly learn from mistakes and not repeat them. i take matters of the heart seriously. as much as this break up pains my heart...the blow to my ego is almost AS devastating. Cyrah and Mia were supposed to last. we didn't. #failure.

what are your roses and thorns? i strongly urge that while you can, smell your roses daily before they wither & thorns are all you have left.


rose lei he made for me at my graduation....

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

DISASTERS IN DATING: since you've been gone...

It's been 4 weeks since you've looked at me.
Some days I'm absolutely fine.
Others, I have to fight the urge to allow emotions to bubble to the surface.
I refuse to spend my days angry, sad, confused, etc.
I am beginning to notice exactly how much you don't deserve me.
The more I think about the things that were wrong in our relationship, the more "over it" I become.
I don't see any change. No effort to make things work.
Since you've been gone, my peace of mind has returned.

It's been FOUR WEEKS since you've looked at me....
and I'm feelin' like I don't ever want to see you again.


Saturday, September 4, 2010 is always needed

It's been damn near a month since I've heard it or read it. Today I got it. It was EXACTLY what I needed. the "I love you" text. Sh*t is far from good between us, but those words in that text message were like hot chocolate & a good book on a rainy day. #comforting. If nothing else, I am seriously beginning to miss the small things. showering together. putting lotion on his back. watching funny youtube videos. that same old Bruce Lee movie. *sigh* I'm beginning to miss the small things.

I'm not dying without him.
I'm actually fine without him.
This isn't about a need...
This is about the person who I want.
Not in a selfish "I get what I want" way.
But in a "I want to spend my life making you smile" way.

A lot of work needs to be done.
Changes need to be made.
I can see, easily, that its truest form is ALWAYS needed.
& his love is all that I want.

cuz I'm beginning to miss the small things.


THE {B}est TO EVER DO IT: happy birthday

Dear Beyonce Giselle Knowles-Carter:

For years you have been one of the arms that embraces me when I feel as though my heart will stop beating at any moment. You have helped me hear more clearly that little voice inside that was begging to be heard, the voice that said "Mia, you are beautiful". Your professionalism is forever evident and your talent is unmistakable. Your beauty transcends the superficial, because it radiates from your spirit. Thank you for pouring your heart and soul into your craft....thank you for sharing it with me. May love and happiness never leave you. God bless you as you celebrate another year. I appreciate and love you!

Thank you Bey!

Happy Birthday!


YOUTUBE OF THE DAY: thanks for the reminder...

i recently got the link to this video in a comment on one of my blogs. THANK YOU FOR THE REMINDER! this truly made my day.

Lydia's other vids are just as dope.



PLAYLIST: Good Fridays...

Kanye has decided to drop a new song every friday until his album comes out in december, yay for us! i must admit, "Monster" hasn't grown on me yet but "Devil in a New Dress" had me at HELLO! haha. i have been listening to it on repeat....saying i relate is stating the obvious.

click HERE for the mp3.

"May the Lord forgive us
May the gods be with us
And that magic hour I seen good Christians make rash decisions
Oh she dooo it, what happened to Religion?
Oh she lose it
She putting on her make up
She casually allure
Text message break ups, the casualty of tour
I thought I was the ass hole, I guess it’s rubbing off
Hood phenomenom, the Lebron of rhyme
Hard to be humble when you stuntin on a jumbotron
I’m looking at her like “this what you really wanted, huh?”
Why we argue anyway? oh I forgot, it's summatime...."

*sidebar* he went IN on twitter last nite/this morning. kept it very real about his year of shun. "i accept the idea (ideal) that perception is reality" LAWD, have i NOT been saying this for the past 2 months? glad Kanye sees my point. as unfair or unreal the perception may tends to be someone's reality. that's just the truth!!!

anywho, enjoy blogger babies!


Friday, September 3, 2010

DISASTERS IN DATING: i hate this part right here....

I know there are stages you go through in a breakup, I'm not sure of the order though. I have been pretty numb for the past month, not allowing myself to cry or feel too weak. Today, I got mad. Hello anger. I feel this relationship didn't mean sh*t...wasn't about sh*t. The way it has ended with no real "closure" is so ridiculous. I mean I don't really believe in "closure" but I do believe that some type of conversation is needed to kind of tie up loose ends. We haven't had that. I feel like I took the burden of the relationship and held it on my shoulders, so when I decided to release the burden, he pulled a b*tch move. I let him take the easy way out, he took it & ran QUICK! So, now
I'm mad.*bbm angry face* Mad cuz I honestly feel like I wasted the majority of 2010 on someone who wasn't genuine. #LessonLearned. I'm so very done.

selfish. unappreciative. disrespectful. arrogant. untruthful.

characteristics that make me so effin sick.


I just hate that I can't listen to some of my favorite songs now without feeling like my head will combust from holding in tears. Ugh! Love is for suckas...why did I forget that?


"dedicating time when I really can't afford to be..." -drake

now I'm broke :-/ joke's on me.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

DISASTERS IN DATING: social networking.....

dear facebook,

i do not need to "Reach Out" to him.
please refrain from the reminders.
i am done reaching out.
i will not "reconnect" by writing on his wall
or sending him a message.
and twitter, thank you but no thanks for your "who to follow"
recommendations. i'd rather not.
if in real life we aren't poking, chatting, leading or following,
why front for the social sites?

we aint even friends.


PHOTO OP: sweet dream or beautiful nightmare...

can't sleep cuz i know my dreams will be plagued by you.
and when i wake up, i just KNOW this will all be a nightmare.
but i'm wrong.
when i start to fully accept the finality of this,
perhaps sleep will be more peaceful.
out of sight. out of mind.
why is that not working?


#imjustsayin.... no double standards

when it comes to shady activities, i despise it equally from men and women. i am utterly disgusted by the lack of respect people have for each other. nasty bitches and dirty dogs. excuse my language but i am very passionate about this topic.

women who freely offer their bodies to every Tom, Dick, & Harry make me want to vomit. men who live by the d*ck.....die by the d*ck. go get tested!

what happened to your body being a temple? these guys and girls who have so much mileage on their bodies are sad. do you not know your worth? do you not want to have something to offer your husband/wife? something that hasn't been completely thrashed by every female/male you found attractive....

smh. respect yourselves. this is not me judging....this is me just sick of people using sex as some weapon of mass destruction. destroying relationships, destroying self-esteem, destroying love.

the more i witness the careless way people treat themselves and others, the more appealing CELIBACY looks. what about you would make me want to have part of you deposited in my spirit?

i am denouncing all spirits that have attached themselves to me from previous "experiences". i refuse to be connected to people who burdern my spirit with the weight of their past.

freeing myself from you and all that you brought. disconnecting from him, him, him, and him.

ready to continue life with a light spirit.

#imjustsayin....who are you allowing to taint your spirit???



PLAYLIST: kandi koated & loveLess

laaaaaawd Kandi over here singing about leaving him if he doesn't do what he did to get her to keep her. this woman KNOWS she can write a damn song!!

"long talks, we used to do it. compromise, we used to do it......i'm bout to leeeeeave leeeeeave you."

girl girl girl, you better sing my life. she said "i put this on my mama, u keep doin the same thang...silence gonna be your best friend. cuz i wont be here & this house gonna b so cold without me here. you aint got to worry no more. i'm packin up my bags & im out the front door. byyeeee byeee byeee" YAAAAAAASSSSSSS!!! sing it bEtch!

compliments.affection. & passion. used to do it. *sigh*

#shoutout to for supplying this song to my blackberry MONTHS ago back when it was known as "Hurt". i feel so ahead of the game :-)

Loving You No More....

when you get hurt by the one you're living for, pain can make you wanna love no more...

"the same one i'm missin is basically the reason i became somethin different. it's just that i remember me before & if you can do the same baby then we'd be for sure..."


PHOTO OP: iSpy....

is that Bey i see rockin an au naturale face & her own locks?? hey girl heeeey!

yall know my Bey can do no wrong in my eyes. let that scalp breathe honeeeeey!

photo of her @ Rock the Bells-NYC.


NEW VIDS: this creative SOB....

i have always been kinda into CeeLo's eclectic style and AMAAAZING vocals. he def delivers on this new song. "im like fcuk you...and fcuk her too!!" lmbo.

looking forward to his album release. he has a supporter in me. loving this song and video way mucho!

enjoy blogger babies!


FRESH FROCKS: give 'em the boot...

Joe Riding Boot

the boot has been a tricky trend to capture correctly, but we are all in luck. the boot is now fully functional.....and cute to boot. *no pun intended*

remember when Beyonce' made the Manolo Blahnik boot popular with every chick from the suburbs to the hood? LAWD HAFF MURCEE! i couldn't stand that shoe!!!!

i am totally loving boots this season. all boots! chunky (or clog) boots, stiletto boots, thigh high boots, platform boots, embellished combats, ankle boots, lace up boots, peep toe boots, cowboy boots (of course), rainboots, wedge boots, cut out boots....thank you for making a come back!!!

complete your fall wadrobe with a cute boot or two and i PROMISE that you will be right on trend, stepping out in utterly fab style.



a few boots from that caught my eye...happy hunting for your perfect pair!

Falken Clog Boot

Prague Combat Boot

Harley Platform Boot

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

DISASTERS IN DATING: no one really knows...

today...not so good. i feel absolutely sick to my stomach. the anxiety has returned and i feel tears literally on the brink of my eyes.

*give me a moment*

no one really knows how i feel. my words don't do me justice. i can still hide my hurt behind them. saying one thing but really meaning something else.

"it kills me, to know how much i really love you...."

today would have been the start of 9 months together. everything seemed to fall apart so quickly and i just feel so helpless. but i gotta pull it together because i have so many people looking at me expecting me to be okay. expecting me to just brush it off and keep it pushing.

Mia isn't supposed to hurt. Mia isn't supposed to cry and be sad. happy happy joy joy. *blank stare* please, audience....shut the fcuk up & let me hurt. my emotions are on display....but that doesn't mean you're allowed to touch them.

i loved, i love him. it's starting to hit me now. not waking up next to him. not cooking or cleaning for him. not kissing him. not touching him. not seeing him. as i type this i literally feel like i'm suffocating because i'm struggling to keep the tears from falling.

*can't breathe......*

BUT, i know we aren't supposed to be together right now. the goodness between us got lost somewhere and either it's gone forever oooor we just aren't willing to find it.

this......this was supposed to work.

damn, i just want that old thing back.
reading old journal entries makes me remember how excited i was about this.
in the beginning there was us...only us.
now i feel like we're contaminated. US is not pure.

i just want that old thing back.

we were never perfect, but we were "WE". as much as i get much as i understand him.....i don't think he got me.

this is me being EXTREMELY vulnerable. i don't care what anyone says....i don't care who doesn't understand. i miss the man who loved to cuddle. i miss the man who made me feel beyond beautiful. i miss us.

this sucks.


I love you.
i know we can work.
we need work.
let's work.
gotta find our way back.

if you're a bird......i'm a bird baby.