I love you
when you piss me off, when you hurt me.
it doesn't fade or go away.
it hangs, suspended in the air like the lingering of a favorite fragrance.
and I love you.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Brandy definitely sang my life on "wish your love away" off her new album Two Eleven. It is slightly tragic when something and someone that was once the source of good feelings, becomes the cause of hurt. the kind of hurt where you start believing in magic. believing that if you wish hard enough, that love and all things tied to it will go away....that is soooome kind of space to be in. When you question everything that the person ever said, like was that real??? Who can act that wonderfully? Act like they loved, cared, wanted you? that is just...strange to me. But I am beyond grateful for music....it truly heals. I have reached the point of no return and I am so happy to be here. I love how God has this crazy, amazing way of revealing things at the perfect time. Like just when I wanted to text and tell him how much I miss him, how much I love him....pictures surface, reminding me exactly why I made the decision to really really walk away. good looking out universe, you really spared me some hurt feelings. the way I see it, I no longer have to wish this love away....seems to be long gone. crazy how something that could have been so right was such a sham. lol. i don't think I have ever been deceived soooooo much. THAT blows my mind. the words...the lies. someone I thought I knew, thought I could trust, thought was my FRIEND....really created a web of lust, deceit, confusion, lies, disrespect, etc etc. no wonder they say the line between love and hate is so thin, I'm on the brink. but I know I can't allow myself to go there. "Keep your heart sweet". this can't be worth that much energy, I refuse to give this anymore of me. no anger, no bitterness, no hate....no worries. matter of fact, i forgive you. wishes may not work, but prayer does. I'm not even going to allow Mia to be consumed in any negative emotions or thoughts. it's all good, have a blessed life. xo, McK
Saturday, November 10, 2012
I heard that what ever it is that you spend 3 years working hard and diligently at, you will perfect. I want to be perfect at 30. my interest in fitness is at an all time high. by no means do I want to be a female body builder...but I want muscles!!!! "write it and make it plain..." I am dedicated to doing some serious renovations on me. better health, better fitness, better emotional dealings, better finances, better everything. my heart, my mind, my spirit .....those things are already shaped and flourishing. yo, really though....I'm tempted to shave my head and zone out. timing is EVERYTHING and now is not the time for a relationship or outside distractions. I, for the first time in a looooong while, am being selfish with me. I give access to people who are so undeserving. not everyone should be privy to my most precious parts (heart, body, mind, spirit). no more poison. no alcohol, no sex, no leisure smoking. (Check, check, check...already done). stop the insanity. can't keep doing the SAME things expecting different results. so this is me removing my strait jacket and checking out of the crazy house. life gets better when you do.... start over. xo, McK
Friday, November 9, 2012
Reading through the past couple of years of this blog has given me a headache. Is this really what my life has been about? being hurt? gaaaaah, I can NOT even deal. granted, there haven't been many guys to hurt me....but the same ones were given chance after chance after chance to hurt me, repeatedly. I am CRAZY! a Queen loving beneath her means. never no more. I have cried too much over guys who have not been what they promised to be when they were supposed to be. how hard is it to be honest? to be a friend? a support system.....a confidant....a spiritual partner???? am I nuts to believe that love IS easy?? I truly do not get how guys simply refuse to act like the Kings that they are ....that we, the Queens, need and deserve. smh. this world is screwed up. too much lust. too many broken and bitter people who don't even realize they are broken and bitter. in love....real love, there is only room for two. that's me and you. there are way too many fckd up things going on in the world, LOVE should not be another one. I'm hurt....I acknowledge that. this one happens to hurt more than the other two. I have NEVER EVER been passionate about any person. I was PASSIONATE about this one. felt ...or feels? ....like pieces of me were (are) tied to him. it is a crazy aching feeling. but I numb it as much as possible with any and everything I can. but I know it is still there.....in the pit of my stomach, on the left side of my chest, it is everywhere. but, no worries, this too shall pass. and the slight tarnish of my crown will simply be a sign of character. Queen me..... xo, McK