Saturday, December 31, 2011


12a. 1/1/2012.

I will begin my 21 day fast.
I recently completed a 3 day fast that definitely shifted the atmosphere for some things in life.

This fast will consist of:

no social networking.
no meat (fish only)
no alcohol, juice, soda, tea, etc. (water only)
prayer/meditation daily at sunrise
daily exercise.
prayer for other people
journaling (off line)- 21 days of appreciation, kindness, and goals.
personal Bible study time daily.
conscious removal of complaining in my daily conversation and thoughts.
limited to no conversation with men who are in dealings with my heart/emotions.

This fast is for my mind, heart, body, and spirit.
a true cleanse.

cleaning the remnants of LIFE out of me, off me, and from around me.

going into 2012 refreshed and of sound mind, whole heart, and solid spirit.

i am truly excited to begin.


Friday, December 30, 2011

DISASTERS IN DATING: what we want vs. what we deserve

for years, literally...YEARS, i thought he was exactly what i wanted.
gorgeous, charismatic, caring, sexy, kind, etc etc etc.
loved him to the detriment of self.
insecurity. lack of trust. miscommunication...all the things that eat away at what should be a solid relationship.

but this is what i wanted.
struggle together, succeed together.
do any and everything for each other.

naked girls in his phone.
flirting that crosses the line.
but this is what i wanted. right?

would give him a million chances to get it right.
forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive.
because THIS, what i wanted.

i don't know how to want this anymore.
i don't know how to ignore the mistreatment anymore.
i AM too good to turn the other cheek.

being taken for granted is a sucky sucky feeling.
competing with women who aren't even worth it....not a good feeling.
having the nagging feeling that "he'll cheat again" always weighing on you.
my peace of mind packed a bag and left long ago.

i deserve better.

i found better.

but better isn't convinced that i'm done with what i thought i wanted.

so better waits.

and my want lingers.

better calls out to me...adores me....cares for me...wants just me.

while want haunts me.

and i've never loved anyone how i love him, but i need better.