DISASTERS IN DATING: fix my life...

The other day I was finally able to catch Iyanla Vanzant's show "Fix My Life" featuring reality star Evelyn Lozada. baaaaaaaaby, let me tell you....i got my LIFE! one of the hardest things is truly loving yourself, knowing your worth and LIVING in it. i am currently on that journey. loving someone and letting them go when every fiber of your heart is still attached to them....is brutal. i am in a place that is so out of the norm. i find myself being angry, A LOT. mean, bitchy....upset because the person i love doesn't love me how i deserve. i was driving home the other night, crying my head off on the freeway. talking to God, asking Him to forgive me for allowing myself to be treated in a way so unworthy of what i deserve. told Him that i am embarrassed for the bits and pieces of happy i have been accepting. how dare i, as God's child, allow someone to not love me properly?? i am angry....i am frustrated...i am tired. i give of myself too much, fight too hard for men who haven't done the same. i'm angry at myself. love shouldn't hurt. i want a man who encourages me....is excited about my work and dreams. cares about my day and well being. make time for me, make time for love. annnd i want him to want me when i want him. not after i have moved on (shoutout to the exes). i am fixing my life. mind, body, spirit, heart. and to you....i'll love you always. you da best baby...every single day. xoxo, Mia McK

Poetically Inclined: I had a moment....

Tonight I had a moment, felt like I had given up on love.

Took a minute, but I remembered that it is God.

how dare I be so hurt that I give up on Him.

He who would do anything for me, it's bigger than him.

Tonight I was on the edge. At that point where only your BEST friend can reach.

She talked me down from an unnecessary space, where love was nonexistent to me.

I had a moment of pure and honest hurt. I felt the disappointment seeping out of my eyes disguised as tears.

frustration anxiously waiting to pour out of my veins like open wounds of past years.





I had a moment tonight....





xo

MiaMcK

DISASTERS IN DATING: I'm sorry.....

It's true, the power of an apology is real. I need one from you. Sorry for the lies, sorry for wasting my time. Perhaps, if you're sorry for hurting me...you can throw an apology in for that. What's crazy is not being able to tell you exactly how fucked up you are. The sheer disrespect for me, our friendship, our ....shared moments. That hurts most. It took months and months and months to get to this point of letting you go, you letting me go, letting go...completely. While it is such a huge relief to be out of the clutches of disappointment, it is insanely painful to lose a friend. you forgot my dopeness. Forgot to tell me I'm beautiful. And I'm pretty sure it slipped your mind to remind me that I'm amazing, that I'm special to you.... Because you used to know those things about me. Used to tell me those things. You should be sorry you forgot, but I don't think you are. How unfortunate. I will be fine. So will you. But I am tapping out. Decided to spend some time with me. Grind season starts now. I forgive you.....I don't even need your apology. Thank God we are done. I regret you. xo, Mia McK

LIFE AND SUCH: it aint fair.....

the way that i love, it just aint fair. give and give and give. and what? i can't even complain because i would not be Mia without loving how i do. i do without expectation of that same thing being done in return. and i don't ask for much, maybe i should. at 26 years old....i find myself over it. what ever "it" may be. i tried. and i'm okay being done. because i truly tried. the games that are currently being played can continue on.....without me. God first. then Mia. if your list of priorities don't mirror that, i have nothing for you. i'm done making excuses for how i've been treated lately. it's not okay, bottom line. there will be no dramatic display of feelings upon departure. there will simply be no more trying. the lack of CARE in this current situation is something i have NEVER experienced. every single guy that has told me he LOVES me...has shown an awesome amount of CARE for me as well. i've NEVER had a guy "love" me and not truly have my best interest at heart. this is new and uncomfortable and it isn't fair. momentarily blinded to what has been right in my face....this aint fair. this aint right. and i told him before that how i feel will never change, that wasn't a lie. my FEELINGS toward him won't change....but my availability to him, patience with him?? those things have changed. Julian, i love you. you are not ready to provide what i require. let me go. xoxo, MiaMcK

LIFE AND SUCH: Dysfunctional Superwoman

my powers are waning.
not from kryptonite, but from care.
i am weak from caring too much.
i have a tendency to take on everything my family and friends are going through.
it's hard, it's draining...but that is all i know.
operate out of love. save everyone. support, encourage, pour into all.
i honestly don't know how to be any other way, but i must figure out a way to tap into an unlimited source of energy and goodness. God knows i need it.
i am humbled and very grateful that God has seen fit to make me a source of light for His people, i just pray i never dim too low.


dear you reading this,
i love you. i care. it is my most fervent prayer that God bestows an abundance of GOODNESS on you and every situation you may be facing. and if you don't know Him personally, i can promise you that He is beyond amazing and so worth getting to know. His love is literally out of this world. TRY HIM!


love always,
your Dysfunctional Superwoman

POETICALLY INCLINED: Japan, JKB Inspired

the shadows of clouds on the ocean.
all I can think about is you.
there is something so profound in soaring further than the point of which your eyesight can reach.
all I can think about is you.
in mere hours I spanned thousands and thousands of miles.
passed over millions of people, moments, situations, emotions, and cultures.
all I can think about is you.
5463 miles.
every inch, yard, mile that I travel away from you brings my heart closer..
you are literally all I can think about.
grow closer, grow better, grow with you.
because all I think about is you.

---------------

there is no one that i want more than you.
i am in awe of all you do and all you are.
you frustrate me, you piss me off, you inspire me to be better.
i want your love.
because my love is all that i have to give to you.
take it, freely.


JKB inspired.



xoxo,
MiaMcK

DISASTERS IN DATING: fighting for love....

all i have ever wanted was someone that would fight for me.
ask me to stay.
show me that they want me as much as i want them.

i am tired of fighting for love.

i've never been this open. *sigh* here goes nothing.....

i chase my father.

i reach out to him. i call on him. i cry out for him.
and he never came....he never comes for me.

my dad never fought for me. never stayed for me. i always thought that if i loved him enough that he would love me enough.

never happened.

this is my daddy issue.

the one i thought i never had. but after 26 years i have finally discovered exactly what it is. i don't know how to change it, don't know how to conquer it.

i find myself loving too hard, loving too deep all in hopes of that person loving me juuuust enough.

i feel like im in a boxing ring fighting for love by myself.
packing bags of love, pretending to leave....wanting them to make me stay.

they let me go. they all let me go.

i love and i love and i love.
i open myself up, become vulnerable and get hurt.

im tired of fighting for love.


i want someone that will fight for me.
protect me.

because i am taking these gloves off, throwing in the towel....and stepping out of the ring.

love has beat me the fuck up.


im tired of fighting for love.






xoxo,
MiaMcK

DISASTERS IN DATING: done and done

"that l-o and that v-e is all that i believe in" -MiaMcK




I AM OKAY!!!!

i am absolutely and completely okay being done with my previous relationship. we have sucked every drop of "try again" out of US and we are done. craziest part of it all? it doesn't hurt. i feel nothing but relief. there were moments when i thought i lost me.....i wasn't lost though. i was silenced.

too many times he made me feel like things were my fault, but they weren't. an insecure man is someone i NEVER thought i'd end up with. but i did....lesson learned.

"when someone shows you who they are, believe them"

no really, BELIEVE THEM.

apologies, forgiveness, love, and a couple of good times will not change who they are at their core. so, BELIEVE THEM. i tried so so so so very hard to stick it out and fight for love. i can't fight for something or someone who was already defeated.

looking back, i went back for a reason. i had to see if i could do anything differently to make it work. i loved more, i communicated more, i listened more....and nothing. me being me was too much for that relationship.

i can't dim my light or my love. i can't neglect my essence all for the sake of an insecure man's ego.

such is life.

we live, learn, and love again.

chapter 13 is closed. *weight lifted*

i don't regret anything. i appreciate it all. learned A LOT. loved A LOT. i fulfilled my purpose in that relationship and came to the conclusion that the anointing on our lives are like oil and water, they don't mix.

6 months ago i would have never imagined writing these words, believing these words, or LIVING these words.

but here i am. a whole, healed, beautiful, and fully functioning person. how amazing is life? how amazing is God!!??!

"my heart is mended. i'm whole again. no chains are holding me. got my liberty, i am healed!"




xx,
MiaMcK

DISASTERS IN DATING: the next step....

we know we have it.
every single piece of the puzzle is here.
now, how do we turn the fragments into the bigger, more beautiful picture?


you said you were waiting for the BS to run its course..... the BS is gone.

what next?

we're the "better" that we both NEED.


i am ready when you are.

my beautiful Julian.



xoxo,
MiaMcK

DISASTERS IN DATING: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

well hello there 2012!

i am so excited about another day, another year, another moment of LIFE!
how awesome is it that God saw fit that we continue on into 2012?
humbled. blessed. GRATEFUL!

i don't have any NY resolutions. there are just things that i began last year that i will continue doing.

the main thing, i will NOT press pause on my life for anyone. live for SELF. live for GOD.

i had gotten in the habit of sacrificing myself (wants, needs, desires, happiness, etc) for the sake of an "US" that was no longer...and for a "HIM" that wouldn't do the same for me.

what a way to live.

the end of 2011 i began to get back to just Mia. doing, saying, believing, loving, behaving in a way that is absolutely true to ME. and it feels AMAAAAAZING!

it wouldn't be fair to myself or the people in my life if i continued living in a way that was a lesser version of my truest self. so i stopped.

i can honestly say that the scariest thing is breaking the bonds of COMFORT.

a few weeks ago, someone extremely special to me told me some real sh*t. he said "you enjoy what you're used to a lot more than the actual act of being happy and that's a shame......you want comfort. i'm not something that i want you to be "used to" or "comfortable with". i want you to be happy. you havent learned that and i cant make you"

WOW! talk about a blow of truth. i had to take his words and seriously meditate on them. obviously he was right.

but now that i KNOW he was right....how do i become right?

for the first time in years, i said NO.
i made a conscious decision to put me first and truly recognize what's best for Mia.

it hurt so good.


what a way to start 2012...with a solid "NO".



xoxo,
MiaMcK

WATCH WHAT HAPPENS: 21 day fast

12a. 1/1/2012.

I will begin my 21 day fast.
I recently completed a 3 day fast that definitely shifted the atmosphere for some things in life.

This fast will consist of:

no social networking.
no meat (fish only)
no alcohol, juice, soda, tea, etc. (water only)
prayer/meditation daily at sunrise
daily exercise.
prayer for other people
journaling (off line)- 21 days of appreciation, kindness, and goals.
personal Bible study time daily.
conscious removal of complaining in my daily conversation and thoughts.
limited to no conversation with men who are in dealings with my heart/emotions.

This fast is for my mind, heart, body, and spirit.
a true cleanse.

cleaning the remnants of LIFE out of me, off me, and from around me.

going into 2012 refreshed and of sound mind, whole heart, and solid spirit.

i am truly excited to begin.



xoxo,
MiaMcK