anti means against

DISASTERS IN DATING: fighting for love....

2012-01-17T12:08:00.000-08:00

all i have ever wanted was someone that would fight for me.
ask me to stay.
show me that they want me as much as i want them.

i am tired of fighting for love.

i've never been this open. *sigh* here goes nothing.....

i chase my father.

i reach out to him. i call on him. i cry out for him.
and he never came....he never comes for me.

my dad never fought for me. never stayed for me. i always thought that if i loved him enough that he would love me enough.

never happened.

this is my daddy issue.

the one i thought i never had. but after 26 years i have finally discovered exactly what it is. i don't know how to change it, don't know how to conquer it.

i find myself loving too hard, loving too deep all in hopes of that person loving me juuuust enough.

i feel like im in a boxing ring fighting for love by myself.
packing bags of love, pretending to leave....wanting them to make me stay.

they let me go. they all let me go.

i love and i love and i love.
i open myself up, become vulnerable and get hurt.

im tired of fighting for love.

i want someone that will fight for me.
protect me.

because i am taking these gloves off, throwing in the towel....and stepping out of the ring.

love has beat me the fuck up.

im tired of fighting for love.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

DISASTERS IN DATING: done and done

2012-01-12T07:14:00.000-08:00

"that l-o and that v-e is all that i believe in" -MiaMcK

I AM OKAY!!!!

i am absolutely and completely okay being done with my previous relationship. we have sucked every drop of "try again" out of US and we are done. craziest part of it all? it doesn't hurt. i feel nothing but relief. there were moments when i thought i lost me.....i wasn't lost though. i was silenced.

too many times he made me feel like things were my fault, but they weren't. an insecure man is someone i NEVER thought i'd end up with. but i did....lesson learned.

"when someone shows you who they are, believe them"

no really, BELIEVE THEM.

apologies, forgiveness, love, and a couple of good times will not change who they are at their core. so, BELIEVE THEM. i tried so so so so very hard to stick it out and fight for love. i can't fight for something or someone who was already defeated.

looking back, i went back for a reason. i had to see if i could do anything differently to make it work. i loved more, i communicated more, i listened more....and nothing. me being me was too much for that relationship.

i can't dim my light or my love. i can't neglect my essence all for the sake of an insecure man's ego.

such is life.

we live, learn, and love again.

chapter 13 is closed. *weight lifted*

i don't regret anything. i appreciate it all. learned A LOT. loved A LOT. i fulfilled my purpose in that relationship and came to the conclusion that the anointing on our lives are like oil and water, they don't mix.

6 months ago i would have never imagined writing these words, believing these words, or LIVING these words.

but here i am. a whole, healed, beautiful, and fully functioning person. how amazing is life? how amazing is God!!??!

"my heart is mended. i'm whole again. no chains are holding me. got my liberty, i am healed!"

xx,
MiaMcK

DISASTERS IN DATING: the next step....

2012-01-05T20:37:00.000-08:00

we know we have it.
every single piece of the puzzle is here.
now, how do we turn the fragments into the bigger, more beautiful picture?

you said you were waiting for the BS to run its course..... the BS is gone.

what next?

we're the "better" that we both NEED.

i am ready when you are.

my beautiful Julian.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

DISASTERS IN DATING: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

2012-01-03T13:19:00.001-08:00

well hello there 2012!

i am so excited about another day, another year, another moment of LIFE!
how awesome is it that God saw fit that we continue on into 2012?
humbled. blessed. GRATEFUL!

i don't have any NY resolutions. there are just things that i began last year that i will continue doing.

the main thing, i will NOT press pause on my life for anyone. live for SELF. live for GOD.

i had gotten in the habit of sacrificing myself (wants, needs, desires, happiness, etc) for the sake of an "US" that was no longer...and for a "HIM" that wouldn't do the same for me.

what a way to live.

the end of 2011 i began to get back to just Mia. doing, saying, believing, loving, behaving in a way that is absolutely true to ME. and it feels AMAAAAAZING!

it wouldn't be fair to myself or the people in my life if i continued living in a way that was a lesser version of my truest self. so i stopped.

i can honestly say that the scariest thing is breaking the bonds of COMFORT.

a few weeks ago, someone extremely special to me told me some real sh*t. he said "you enjoy what you're used to a lot more than the actual act of being happy and that's a shame......you want comfort. i'm not something that i want you to be "used to" or "comfortable with". i want you to be happy. you havent learned that and i cant make you"

WOW! talk about a blow of truth. i had to take his words and seriously meditate on them. obviously he was right.

but now that i KNOW he was right....how do i become right?

for the first time in years, i said NO.
i made a conscious decision to put me first and truly recognize what's best for Mia.

it hurt so good.

what a way to start 2012...with a solid "NO".

xoxo,
MiaMcK

WATCH WHAT HAPPENS: 21 day fast

2011-12-31T16:06:00.000-08:00

12a. 1/1/2012.

I will begin my 21 day fast.
I recently completed a 3 day fast that definitely shifted the atmosphere for some things in life.

This fast will consist of:

no social networking.
no meat (fish only)
no alcohol, juice, soda, tea, etc. (water only)
prayer/meditation daily at sunrise
daily exercise.
prayer for other people
journaling (off line)- 21 days of appreciation, kindness, and goals.
personal Bible study time daily.
conscious removal of complaining in my daily conversation and thoughts.
limited to no conversation with men who are in dealings with my heart/emotions.

This fast is for my mind, heart, body, and spirit.
a true cleanse.

cleaning the remnants of LIFE out of me, off me, and from around me.

going into 2012 refreshed and of sound mind, whole heart, and solid spirit.

i am truly excited to begin.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

DISASTERS IN DATING: what we want vs. what we deserve

2011-12-30T17:38:00.000-08:00

for years, literally...YEARS, i thought he was exactly what i wanted.
gorgeous, charismatic, caring, sexy, kind, etc etc etc.
loved him to the detriment of self.
insecurity. lack of trust. miscommunication...all the things that eat away at what should be a solid relationship.

but this is what i wanted.
struggle together, succeed together.
do any and everything for each other.

naked girls in his phone.
flirting that crosses the line.
cheating....disrespect.....lies....betrayal.
but this is what i wanted. right?

would give him a million chances to get it right.
forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive.
because THIS, HIM....is what i wanted.

i don't know how to want this anymore.
i don't know how to ignore the mistreatment anymore.
i AM too good to turn the other cheek.

being taken for granted is a sucky sucky feeling.
competing with women who aren't even worth it....not a good feeling.
having the nagging feeling that "he'll cheat again" always weighing on you.
my peace of mind packed a bag and left long ago.

i deserve better.

i found better.

but better isn't convinced that i'm done with what i thought i wanted.

so better waits.

and my want lingers.

better calls out to me...adores me....cares for me...wants just me.

while want haunts me.

and i've never loved anyone how i love him, but i need better.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

PLAYLIST: video of the year

2011-10-20T20:13:00.000-07:00

"it's like screaming, but no one can hear. you almost feel ashamed, that someone could be that important...that without them you feel like nothing. no one will ever understand how much it hurts. you feel hopeless...like nothing can save you. then when it's over and it's gone, u almost wish you could have all that bad stuff back....so that you could have the good"

that opening monologue.....the video....the song....all reminders that EVERYONE loves and EVERYONE hurts.

it's real. it's potent. it's everything.

love.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

STYLE STAR: perfect 10

2011-10-12T14:00:00.001-07:00

this chick rarely, if ever, takes a bad picture...nudies included.

effortless style.

her looks are innately her. she never looks like she is trying too hard to be ahead of a curve or "on trend". she just is.

kudos miss cass.

you are def a style star in my book.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

MODEL BEHAVIOR: living up to her name...

2011-10-12T13:50:00.000-07:00

Chanel.
Iman.

icons.

Chanel Iman...rising icon. Kanye muse. haute!

loving her!

xoxo,
MiaMcK

My 2 Cents: More Substance

2011-10-12T13:15:00.000-07:00

i am a HUGE fan of Destiny's Child, thus making me even more of a fan of the individuals. i adore Kelly, Michelle, and Beyonce'....like really. I am so very excited for Kelly's breakout year. She has had great success with her music stateside, that doesn't yet match her overseas fanbase, but it is growing.

now, all of this to say that i am disappointed with Kelly's lack of substance and creativity with her videos. having sweaty, well built men fawning over you in an oversexualized way in your videos is....old.

push the envelope...don't play it safe by being mediocre and stereotypical. sexy song doesn't mean you HAVE to have an OVERTLY sexy video. implied sexy is MUCH more sexy than the in your face lust she displays in her vids. *sigh* i just want her to go further...be even better. don't do the obvious.

anywho, that is just my 2 cents. peep the vid for Lay It On Me below.

shout out to my homie @hitboy_sc for the production on this joint!

xoxo,
MiaMcK

PLAYLIST: just ask me....and i will. STAY

2011-10-01T16:36:00.000-07:00

you're the only one i want to put up with.
put us back together again....it's all up to you.

ask me and i will....stay.

i love you.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

PLAYLIST: i am here....again

2011-09-19T10:39:00.000-07:00

Here I am again asking questions,
Waiting to be moved.
I am so unsure of my perception,
What I thought I knew I don't seem to
Where is the turn so I can get back to what I believe in?
Back to the old me and

God, please hear my call.
I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw
I need your healing
Please, please, please.

I am such a fool
How did I get here?
Played by all the rules
Then they changed
I am but a child to your vision
Standing in the cold and the rain
Lost here in the dark
I can't see my foot to take a step,
What is happening?
Oh, this hurts so bad. I can hardly breathe.
I just want to leave so...

God, please hear my call.
I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw
I need your healing
Please,
God, please hear my call.
I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw
I need your healing
Please, please, oh, please, please.

God please hear my call.
I am afraid.
Love has turned me cold,
I need your healing.
Please, please, please, please, please, please.

--how did i get here....again?

xoxo,
MiaMcK

PLAYLIST: thank you.... for making me a woman

2011-09-15T11:56:00.000-07:00

this was the love that truly "grew me up". when I say I gave 100 % of me in this relationship, I mean JUST that. I am satisfied knowing I was committed to my commitment to him. *smile* i am so very thankful for this experience. right now, i can honestly say that i am comfortable closing this chapter of my life. Will I feel like this tomorrow? Maybe, maybe not. does it hurt? OF COURSE! but i am HAPPY. i am so faith-filled and dripping in God's ooey gooey goodness, that i can't help but to continue on with a smile on my face. i pray for ALLLLL of the greatness in the world to be bestowed upon him. that would just be the strawberry on top of my love sundae....if he is truly happy, then i am BEYOND happy.

"at this moment, all that i am good for is love" -nnamdi okafor

truer words i have never heard. i don't have it in me to be angry, bitter, depressed, sad, etc. i am indebted to love....that's all i can give and receive.

go.grow.live.LOVE.

so thank you Cyrah Austin Hawkins, loving you made me a woman.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

Sometimes I wonder… Do you
Even recognize the woman
That’s standing in front of you

Sometimes I wonder… Do you
Even care or realize why I took care of you
‘Cuz you’re my heart
You are my soul
You’re my other half
Without you I can not be whole baby
So far apart
I just don’t know
What drove us apart in the first place
Now I know why

These tears I cry … sure won’t be the last
They will not be the last .. no
This pain inside… never seems to pass
It never seems to pass… me by

So I thank you
Said I thank you
Yes I thank you
For making me a woman

Sometimes I wonder… could she be
More of a woman to you thank you were a man to me
Sometime I wonder .. why me
I’m here miserable while you’re out living your fantasies
And didn’t care

‘Cuz you’re my heart
You are my soul
You’re my other half
Without you I can not be whole baby
So far apart
I just don’t know
What drove us apart in the first place
Now I know baby why

These tears I cry … sure won’t be the last
They will not be the last .. no
This pain inside… never seems to pass
It never seems to pass… me by

So I thank you
Said I thank you
Yes I thank you
For making me a woman

One thing I learned in life
We all gotta go through to survive
I hope she’s happy
‘Cuz you’re the chapter that I’ll be closing
Hope you’re happy
‘Cuz once my door closes it won’t be open

These tears I cry … sure won’t be the last
They will not be the last .. no
This pain inside… never seems to pass
It never seems to pass… me by

So I thank you
Said I thank you
Yes I thank you
For making me a woman

*estelle, hunteeeee you DID this joint!!! so reminiscent of old school Mary J. Blige...but smoother, more velvety. love love love love you so much for singing my life to me*

DEAR SUMMER: now that you're gone....

2011-09-13T13:51:00.000-07:00

now that you're gone, i'm not too sure that i even needed you to come this year.
your season, although not worthless, i'm having a hard time figuring out your purpose right now.

nevertheless, i am welcoming fall with wide open arms.
a season of change and i am BEYOND ready for one or two of those.

dear summer, now that you're gone. don't bother coming back.

hello there fall.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

BAD BISHES: hottest in the UNIVERSE!!

2011-09-13T11:42:00.000-07:00

congrats Leila Lopes of Angola, Africa....Miss Universe 2011.

“I’m very satisfied with the way God created me and I wouldn’t change a thing.”

yes for promoting SELF LOVE!!!

xoxo,
MiaMcK

PLAYLIST: simply put...can we?

2011-09-12T19:17:00.000-07:00

this song says it all.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

LOCAL LOYALTY: Hittin' Fr3sh

2011-09-06T18:31:00.000-07:00

are words really necessary? SO SO SO SO SO very proud of Jelani and Chauncey truly representing our home region, the IE, extremely well. humble, genuine, kind, TALENTED, God fearing... both awesome examples of what consistent hard work will get you.

thank you Puka and C for inspiring me by simply walking in your divine purpose! you both really do deserve all success that comes your way. Puka, i absolutely adore you...always have and always will. Thank you for always being YOU. C, you're dope...you know it...you work hard to be dope. CONGRATULATIONS. "hey mama i made it!!" you are DEF making it. :-)

Check out a behind the scenes look at Hit-Boy mixing his production of "Lay it On Me" -Kelly Rowland ft Big Sean. video produced by Jelani Fr3sh.

continue to support Surf Club....they are major! shout out to Young Ry, Kent Money, the incomparable Stacy Barthe, Chili Chill, B Carr, Chase n Cashe!

xoxo,
MiaMcK

The {B}est to Ever Do It: HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEY!!

2011-09-04T15:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Bey:

welcome to a new chapter in your life!! 30, married, and baby on board. how amazing!! thank you for continuing to be a SUPER woman because you inspire so many of us to strive to be our best selves. we're not all going to be mega superstars, known worldwide. BUT, in our little corner of the world, you have shown us that we can be superstars. thank you for walking purely in your God given purpose, not for yourself but for the MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of people who were supposed to be touched by you.

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY birthday. may God continue to bless and keep you wrapped tight in his everlasting mercy. have an amaaazing pregnancy and please find it in your amazing heart to share a LITTLE piece of your bundle of joy with us. lol.

thank you Beyonce.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

BIRTHDAY: sitting pretty at 26

2011-08-23T19:15:00.000-07:00

i turned 26 on august 7th.
did i really just write that? me... 26? wow! where did time go?

i still remember playing barbies with my cousins and getting in trouble for reenacting the "punany" scene from Poetic Justice. #DontAsk lol

i remember the free lunch line...and wearing mismatched socks in elementary school. my principal had a wooden leg because of polio.

chipped tooth in second grade and the "devil tree" at Ramona Alessandro elementary school. i still remember dance class throughout junior high and i LIVED for my eighth grade year as a cheerleader!

really, where did time go?

i know high school couldn't have been THAT long ago. sleepovers, house parties, sneaking out, first kisses, first touches, first this and first that. i still remember.

i was 16 the first time i clearly remember my grandpa telling me that he loved me...and this year i said goodbye to him. #RIP

and of course, i remember love. #word2Nina

i am SO grateful to be able to say that i haven't had a TERRIBLE life. nothing that has hindered me from growing, living, loving, learning, and EXPERIENCING. i am SO grateful for my relationship with God...it has allowed me to have peace of mind in many situations. thank you Father for keeping me!

now, 27...that is an age i am EXCITED for. i feel it in my bones, some amazing things have been planted/are being planted and 27 will be the season for reaping!

take a moment and acknowledge how blessed you are. there is nothing like being grateful to God for all of His mercy He has bestowed upon you!

love ya blogger babies!

xoxo,
MiaMcK

DISASTERS IN DATING: where's the reset button?

2011-07-02T12:55:00.000-07:00

what do you do when the good times are fading like your favorite jeans after a few too many spins in the wash?

they're fading into comfort or the dreaded "worn" area. how do you get back to GOOD?
where is the reset button for relationships?

i am no relatiopnship expert, but i think i am learning how to get through these things. lol. i have found that when the novelty of your relationship begins to fade, you have to face it head on. holding your tongue will only lead to an ugly break up.

take a moment. gather your thoughts. validate your emotions (because some things that we feel, we have no need for). now breathe. how do you feel? you want this relationship to work? make a plan then. a relationship isn't so different from most other things in life, including life itself. there are goals that you want to reach, you have written down your plans and visions right? why not do the same for your relationship? where do you see your Rship in 6 months? a year? 5 years? what are some issues that need to be addressed in order for you all to move forward with clear minds and hearts? SPEAK UP! if you can not communicate EFFECTIVELY with your significant other, be prepared for your relationship to go belly up!

relationships aren't meant to be perfect. shit...i mean LIFE happens. there will be situation after situation after situation. but it is how you all deal with these situations that determine how sane you will be. no, really. stressing over situations can very well make you crazy.

talk it out. no matter how heated the discussion may be. stand your ground, get your point across, and settle the matter as amicably as possible. do your best to understand where your sig other is coming from....put yourself in their shoes and go from there. know that both of you are entitled to FEEL however you feel...even if it seems ridiculous. remember that as you begin your communication, don't expect to always be right. women and men are SOOOOO different...our views, emotions, thought processes. there will ALWAYS be a middle ground, sometimes it just takes a little hard work to find it.

if you BOTH want this relationship to last...work for it, nurture it. be mindful that what YOU want may not be what HE/SHE wants. be mature enough to let go when necessary.

before you throw in the towel, take a moment and find your relationship reset button. it may turn out to be SO worth it.

#nowPlaying "Start Over"- Beyonce

PLAYLIST: simple mathematics....

2011-06-02T20:18:00.000-07:00

in my humble opinion, this new ballad is right on track to become my favorite song. *gasp* yes yes it's true. this coveted spot has long been occupied by Dangerously In Love, so the song that was able to knock that classic out of it's spot couldn't have been by anyone but Bey.

i first heard the song via a video uploaded by Jay Z of Bey rehearsing the song backstage at American Idol. the pure emotion with which she sang was infectious. she brought tears to my eyes almost immediately. if i wasn't already in love, hearing this song would have inspired me to seek, learn, and understand this deep "love" thing she sang about so beautifully.

a few people on twitter adamantly disagreed with my claim to put "1+1" on the level of DIL (dangerously in love). but for me, 1+1 is the grown up version of DIL. 1+1 happens when you've been heartbroken a time or two. 1+1 is the result of age, a bit of wisdom, a couple of tears, and a whole lot of sleepless nights. 1+1 came about after the relationship failed, succeeded, got off track, then was resurrected because of something that goes beyond all reason and understanding. 1+1 exudes LIFE and LOVE. DIL was young love, full of fantasy and naivete. DIL was that wet behind the ears love, the love that you experienced before you actually knew YOU. one is not better than the other. just different. perfect for the different stages of life. if you have yet to experience that gut wrenching love, perhaps you won't fully understand or appreciate 1+1. and that's fine. mark my words though, once it happens to you, you will be searching the internet for this song so you can sway along to the flow. you will turn the song on and truly feel every word of it. and when she sings "and i dont know much about fighting but i, i know i would fight for you. just when i ball up my fist i realize, im laying right next to you"... when you hear that you're going to think about all of the times when you were prepared to go to war for your love.

every guttural note, every ache, and every inflection will bring a flicker of a memory of this love.

i can only pray that you all experience this.
it's beautiful.
painful.
scary.
exhilarating.

enjoy it. every single moment. bad, good, all of it. it's worth it. i promise.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

needless to say, i am EXTREMELY excited for this album! "4" comes out June 28. i love that the album's name holds so much significance to Bey. she and jay z's birthdays both fall on a 4th. they got married on a 4th and this is her 4th album. i can only imagine how personal and amaaazing this album is going to be. i am betting this will be her best.

DISASTERS IN DATING: and then i grew up...

2011-06-02T15:38:00.000-07:00

*written and posted 5/12/2011 in my "notes" on facebook*

sitting here listening to "Love Contract" off of Musiq Soulchild's new album and it got me to thinking about love and other drugs.

it used to be a foreign (and perhaps, unwanted) idea to commit to one person, love one person...and do the whole proverbial "settling down" thing. I've never been the one fixated on being married and with child by a certain age...I just figured it would happen eventually. BUT, I knew I would never be the type to date and date and date trying to weed out Mr. Perfect. I prided myself on my exclusivity. Not just anyone would be able to access my heart and time. this brings me to the Love Contract....

it is unmistakably true that when you know, you just know. the process of love and falling in it absolutely blows my mind. you wake up one day and realize that the mere thought of living without this person pains you to your core. you become a lesser thought, while their well- being far outweighs thoughts of self. you become self-less, realizing the responsibility of someone's heart, sanity...life, has been willingly placed in your hands.

Now, this epiphany does not...by any means...prevent mistakes or ensure a happy ending. but boy, does that possibility of your own little slice of "Happily Ever After" entice you to keep traveling down this daunting road of love.

the hope of happiness.

so crazy how we grow up and grow out of our old ways. and damn if our old ways don't fight to hold on to us. temptation, arguments, drama, lies, betrayal, miscommunication... those things happen. But then, then we grow up. We grow up and realize that by saying those three toxic, potent, amazing words we indeed sign a love contract. a contract that isn't so easily broken.

Needless to say, I've signed my name in bright red blood. and before the blood dried on the Y in McKinley, I found myself needing, wanting, and desiring only one. willing to fight for what we are building....ready to go to war to keep in tact what we are building.

I found myself in love with every flaw...I've fallen in his cracks. I soak up his shortcomings & swallow every faulty word with grace. and the nights, the nights drag on while my eyelids are suffocated by salty drops of unconditional love. my name is Mia and I'm addicted to a human.

I grew up, fell in love....and I am constantly being taught how to be a better person.

Love does wonders.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

LOCAL LOYALTY: Viral Sensation....

2011-04-18T12:15:00.000-07:00

a couple of weeks ago my good friend Yonathan Elias posted this youtube video and the internet went crazy!

the funny thing is, this is truly Yonathan just being Yonathan.

people have gone on to autotune this video and it is now on itunes! He is donating part of the proceeds to Children's National Medical Center in DC. how awesome is my Yonny Bon?!? Please support him!

check the video out!

enjoy blogger babies!

xoxo,
MiaMcK

LIFE AND SUCH: peace be with you

2011-04-16T23:31:00.000-07:00

i am sitting here with tears in my eyes. a friend from high school was killed today and i hurt.

i hurt because this occurs MUCH too often in my hometown. it is utterly heartbreaking. my fallen hometown heroes, blood stained streets of my childhood.

life is but a dream.

a memory for most, the way it passes so quickly. these moments in time when the grief in the air is so thick, it's dang near palpable....these moments cause me to revert inwards. my thoughts won't leave me alone.

who's next? will my life be short? when will the mourning cease?

this world is so sick and evil. love is the only thing worth much of anything these days. what's the point of power, money, fame? you can't take it with you. but love? love transcends the here and now....love is immortal. eternal. forever.

i'm going to spend some time with Mia for a few days. pray, meditate, refocus. the tears that are sure to flow will be my spiritual cleanse.

Lord, i need you now. i need you more than i've ever needed you before. to show up and restore

i pray for comfort and peace for you all. the peace that goes beyond all understanding. Lord, heal our hearts, quiet our minds, comfort our souls.

peaceBeWithYou

xoxo,
miaMcK

DISASTERS IN DATING: Shackled and Shacking

2011-04-04T20:04:00.000-07:00

it's been a full three months since we've been back together.
everything is AWESOME. and when i say awesome, i mean AMAZING.
#NoBrag

in all seriousness, i couldn't ask for more. currently, i am shacking with him while saving up to make my official move to LA. it is an interesting experience. granted, we have had a few moments. but they were different this time around. if these same "moments" happened a year ago, we would have been drowning in miscommunication and unhappiness. growth has occurred. we are learning everyday how to talk TO each other and LISTEN. we are understanding ourselves, each other, and our relationship.

i am SO proud of him. so proud of US. i have made a conscious decision to forgive him and trust him. it's hard. i know my ladies out there know how difficult it is to move forward in a relationship where you were previously cheated on, lied to, betrayed, etc. trust issues are no joke.

but i trust him. i see it in his actions....he changed. not saying he is perfect, nor am i...nor is this relationship. i am saying that we are committed to facing every situation head on with each other. with open and honest conversations.

it has become so clear to me how much we are invested in this. i can't even begin to tell you all how good it feels to have someone who truly has your back and holds you down with love being the only expectation of payment for his services.

sometimes i get anxiety about waking up one day and this all being taken from me. but each day i wake he's there...holding me. each day brings us closer, me all up in his space. even when i get on his nerves. even when he pisses me off. we work at it daily. we forgive and kiss. we let love conquer.

we're shackled by love.
we're shacking with love. (temporarily)

so blogger babies, how do you all feel about the dreaded "shacking" option in relationships?

xx,
MiaMcK

POETICALLY INCLINED: Morning Bliss

2011-04-04T19:57:00.000-07:00

the first moments of morning tickle my eyelids.
twitching toes and warm breath so close it mixes with mine.
stiff limbs from an intense slumber.
heartbeats and soft snores.
traces of the previous night still present on my thighs.

and i just want to lay here.
thoroughly pleased in every sense.

morning bliss: waking up to love

xoxo,
MiaMcK

DISASTERS IN DATING: remembering your essence... FOR NIKKI

2011-04-04T19:44:00.000-07:00

evaluation.

most times when we think of this we relate it back to school or work, but not always relationships.

well, what about our self-evaluation process regarding relationships?

"remember your essence"

whether you're in a relationship, pursuing one, or exiting a relationship, those words can certainly afford to be thought on more often.

IN A RELATIONSHIP: your "I" and "me" has been long ago replaced by "us" and "we". your day to day plans tend to revolve around what your other half is doing. cuz I mean, that's what REALationships are about right? making an effort to align schedules so that the love doesn't suffer?

as a woman who was single and free far more than I was locked down and in a relationship, including my man in my plans and decisions was NOT priority. thus causing his ego and supposed importance to me and the relationship to suffer....

PURSUING A RELATIONSHIP: put your best face forward. the beginning stages of most relationships are like big words in an essay... all fluff. nothing solid or real, just a whole lot of well put together words and imbalanced compromises. women and men tend to get caught up in the warm, fuzzy feelings of the newness which often times causes them to lose their heads...

EXITING A RELATIONSHIP: the hurt, anger, and stress is so thick it's suffocating. the anxiety of heartache can literally make you crazy. things are done and said that can reflect part of our character that we may not have known existed....

in all you do, remember your essence.

what is it that makes you, you? know that you are a whole, beautiful, FUNCTIONING person on your own. even when you feel broken beyond repair, you are whole. know this and truly understand this. YOU define you, not a relationship status. i know so many young ladies who get wrapped up in their man and they forget themselves. they forget their value. remember your essence.

i know i have a few loyal readers out there who may have felt some type of way about the rekindling of my relationship and everyone is entitled to their opinions. i know that my essence has been unequivocally tied to his essence. he's my "end". the one. the difference between myself and a lot of women is that i know my worth, i understand my worth, and i walk in my worth. i have learned how to make my value and love life coexist without either lacking in importance. not only do i remember my essence often, i AM my essence.

i am Mia. i know who i am. i know my worth. i am in love and am a fully functioning complete person with or without a relationship.

remember your essence.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

SPOTLIGHT ON...: the wonderful West 3rd Street

2011-01-12T13:23:00.000-08:00

from bakeries and jewelry stores to pizzerias, nail shops, and restaurants....west third street in Los Angeles literally has it all. i practically live on this street because i work at Alexis Bittar (8383 west 3rd st).... and our friendly neighboring shops have welcomed us with open arms! SO, without further ado, i'd like to RAVE about a few of my favorite west 3rd spots thus far.

1) D'Amore's Famous Pizza (8369 west 3rd st):

there is definitely a reason i am the mayor here on foursquare. i eat here dang near every day!! YUM! the pizza bianco is to die for! as is the 5 cheese baked ziti, the garden burger, and the chicken panini! i go here on lunch and get DELICIOUS food and great convo with this location's owner Christie D'Amore! she is AWESOME!!! Did i mention this is like the healthiest pizza EVER? score!

2) Le Labo (8385 west 3rd st)

Le Labo is right next door to my job and i love that i can smell the fragrances through the walls. Dexter, the manager, is one of my besties on the street....always up for a quick fashion chat and encourages me to come put some parfum on daily. #crossMarketing lol. these fragrances are truly an investment $$ but well worth it. a few of my favorites? Musc 25, the exclusive LA scent that you won't find anywhere but here. it's soft and sexy...makes you want to be close to someone special so that they can partake in your yumminess! Another 13 is AMAZING and uberly exclusive. only 500 bottles of this was made. BUT once you buy this bottle you can get it refilled forever. of the 500 bottles made, there are only FIFTEEN left. i want one sooooo badly. *hint hint BOYFRIEND* hahaha. I also lke Neroli, Vetiver, Rose, Ambrette, and Labdanum. If you happen to go in on a day when Isaac is working, be prepared for a true fragrance experience. he truly has a way with words and making you FEEL the scents. he's awesome.

3) Benefit Cosmetics (8387 west 3rd st)

brow waxing, brow tinting, tons of makeup, tons of fun. i j'adore my Benefit gals!! Helena is an AWESOME brow boss and Michelle, the manager, is a bundle of joy. all of the Benefit ladies are fun, friendly, and fierce with it! you will NOT be disappointed. plus, one of the owners, Lisa Edwards is a doll!

4) Tina's Nails (8371 west 3rd st)

quick and professional, the ladies at Tina's Nails are spectacular. they are ALWAYS busy but somehow i never seem to have to wait. i love it! speedy service. whether i need a pedi or a mani, i am always in and out on my lunch break. my new found love? GEL NAILS!! they use the GELish brand here and it's pretty amazing. gel polish that lasts for weeks. if you know me, you know i am slightly obsessed with nail polish. the GEL polish is super shiny, super smooth, and dries SUPER fast with the help of the UV light. i got my nails done on Christmas Eve and i am barely in need of a new mani now. sooooo guess where i'll be on my lunch break tomorrow??

there are TONS of wonderful places on west 3rd and i can't wait to explore them all. Polkadots and Moonbeams, Wockano, and Joan's on third are also places that i frequent.

LA has so many awesome things to do, see, and eat.... i am dedicating this year to new wonders. can't wait to see what i will find and what i will experience!!!

live a little folks!!!

p.s. couldn't end without mentioning the most important place on west 3rd street....my job!!! 8383 west 3rd street will have you at ALEXIS BITTAR!!!

so blogger babies, are there any places where you live that you think deserve a spotlight? excellent service? great food? amazing prices? dope clothes? LET ME KNOW so i can feature it "spotlight on..."

xoxo,
MiaMcK

BAD BISH: Creepy Minaj

2011-01-11T14:10:00.000-08:00

like i have said since day one, i am not a huge fan of her music....but there is absolutely no doubt that Nicki Minaj is a force to be reckoned with. granted, she does have a few songs that i can jam out to, i wouldn't be the person first in line to buy an album.

her image though?
impeccable.

she is a well oiled machine making one strategic move after another. can't hate.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

REAL TALK: woman to woman

2011-01-11T13:59:00.001-08:00

lately, i have been EXTREMELY inspired by the women around me. from social to personal... the good advice and examples just don't stop. 11 days into the new year and it feels SO good. i am at a really great place...i feel powerful and unstoppable. can i REALLY do anything? of course i can. this year i am so dedicated to Mia and all that comes with being the best Mia i can be.

famous female, friend, foe, and family....the women in my life are awesome. i am so blessed to be surrounded by such beauty, talent, intelligence, and drive. i am in awe.

hopefully, the positive energy i am being fed continues all year. let's make 2011 the start of TRUE sisterhood.

encourage, uplift, and respect.

#GirlPower

xoxo,
MiaMcK

NEW VIDS: anti-bullying

2011-01-07T11:52:00.000-08:00

tear jerker much?

xoxo,
MiaMcK

DISASTERS IN DATING: the resurrection....

2011-01-04T21:43:00.000-08:00

time passes.
mistakes are made.
tears are shed.
apologies said and accepted.
then love......

it never ceases to amaze me how incredible love is.
it comes in and covers a multitude of wrongs.
i am absolutely in awe of its power.

when you can look into the face of love and feel God,
that's when you know.
just like the Christian walk, love isn't always easy.
we backslide, we fall off, we make bad decisions along the way.
then love....

saves us.
restores us.
strengthens us.
resurrects us.

i am literally consumed with this life altering emotion.
we are exactly where we're supposed to be.
with each other.
loving every inch of each other.

and we can't get enough,
cuz like he said "you are who i want".
we fit.
literally.

"aint no competition when you're in it...." ;-)

xoxo,
MiaMcK

XIII,
i knew that we'd find our way back to each other.
being apart was the best thing that could have happened to us.
it hurt like hell to leave you, but it was SO necessary.
there is no better feeling than learning, living, and loving WITH you.
i never thought it would be this easy to start from scratch, start over, start anew....
but it is.
we feel so right.
over a year ago, we rushed into something that took yeeeeeaaars to finally establish.
now, standing at the starting line of 2011...i can say that this is where we belong.
infatuated at first sight on a random night in 2005.
we have the stuff that true love stories are made of.
let's work at it baby.

i have fallen in love with you all over again....

welcome home daddy.

xoxo,
Moonlight

DISASTERS IN DATING: when the dust settles...

2010-12-06T18:43:00.000-08:00

no one ever talks about the part "when the dust settles". when you're over the hurt and you're back in the "single girl" frame of mind. no one ever talks about how it feels when your heart doesn't ache as much but you know you're not fully healed.

the in between phase.

what do you do next? go on a couple of dates trying to keep your mind and time occupied.

entertain the advances of men who don't give you butterflies, but give you numerous compliments.

no one ever talks about this part.

it doesn't hurt but it doesn't feel "good" either. the tears have dried and the anger has subsided. what now?

what do you do when you know you'll never go back, but you can't see a clear picture of what lies ahead?

#nowPlaying "excuse me" - jazmine sullivan

her voice has me wanting to fall in love again. makes me want to go cook and clean for a handsome man with strong arms, a nice smile, and honest eyes.

but he's absolutely nowhere to be found.

no one ever talks about this part....when the dust settles and it's just you. the only one caring. the only one wanting.

*sits down in the middle of the floor indian style*

guess i'll paint my nails and try not to get this "dust" on 'em.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

LOCAL LOYALTY: a heart for vintage....

2010-12-03T19:44:00.000-08:00

for all of my vintage lovers out there, i have the perfect place for ultimate thrift shopping ONLINE!!! throwback pieces that won't break your wallet..#SCORE. oh, did i fail to mention that the store is owned and operated by one of my very good friends? well, it is...and i am uberly proud of her. Blood, sweat, and tears......the reward of it all is worth it.

Love you Jim!

so, my dear blogger babies, GO SHOP!!!! don't say i never put y'all up on anything. #ThankMeNow

DanTChanVintage

follow the store on twitter for updates!! @DantChanVintage

xoxo,
MiaMcK

p.s. shoutout to the featured model @ruthi_baby heeey girl!

PLAYLIST: Umbrella Much???

2010-11-10T22:42:00.000-08:00

as you all may know, i am on a slow journey of toleration for my dear Creepy Minaj. i have nothing against her image or who she is as a person....i think she is doing wonders for a lot of silly little girls' self-esteem (in her own twisted way). as far as talent goes, she's entertaining to say the least. i would never knock her hustle, cuz she IS doing it. but fan? not much.

and rihanna.....my boo rihanna. i ADORE this chick head to toe. she's the less amazing version of my Beyonce' adoration. #justSayin.

this song is IT for me....had me ready to put on some poppin lipstick, a freakum dress, & go BE in some club somewhere. YAAAAAAAAAAS!!!!!!!!! put my hand in the air & reject all the scumbags trying to get my attention. #soWhat cuz it's raining men!!!!!

"i aint even worried bout u homie cuz there's plenty mo fish in the sea.....they fallin like the rain, so we aint runnin out"

im bumping this hard until 2011 hits!!!!

enjoy blogger babies!

xoxo,
MiaMcK

LOCAL LOYALTY: it's been a long time coming....

2010-10-27T18:19:00.000-07:00

I can't even begin to explain how proud i am and how i excited i am for my friend...my brother 10BEATS. He has put in SO much work...has been SO diligent and focused on making his dreams happen. The hard work is paying off and this is only the beginning.

Dom- you already know the IE is holding you down...your friends/family are supporting you 1000%. God has SO much more in store for you. Don't limit Him...you can do exceedingly, beyond, and ABUNDANTLY more. remain faithful to Him, humble, and grounded in the WORD. i love you and look forward to seeing you shine, shine, shine!!! GO!

xoxo,
MiaMcK

keep up with them on twitter:

@isquaremusic
@10beats

NEW VIDS: Creepy Minaj Comes With It.....

2010-10-27T18:10:00.000-07:00

i have been bumping this song HARD for the past month so i am SO excited for the video. kudos to Nicki for keeping it simple....the video isn't cinematic genius or anything but it's SUCH a welcome change for her that it IS quite smart. the shower scene...the argument over disrespect...the pool scene...did Creepy Minaj take a page out of my diary or what???

her versatility is what's going to make me a fan.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

FRESH FROCKS: are YOU haute?

2010-10-07T11:44:00.000-07:00

are you an up and coming designer....ahead of the fashion curve....needing more exposure....looking to solidify yourself as the next BIG thing?? If this is you...FOUR LA is "four" you for their FOURTH SATURDAY event!

Their "New Designer Contest" is taking place this month so hurry and read the information below and sumbit your fashionable little selves for this FREE exposure and experience!! go now!!

www.fourla.com is their website or email them: fouryou@fourla.com!

you can email me if you'd like me to send you the rules & regulation document so that you can have a copy for yourself: miamckinley@gmail.com

RULES AND REGULATIONS:

be fresh....be fashionable.

GOD luck!!

xoxo,
MiaMcK

THEME MUSIC: inspired to be SPEECHLESS

2010-10-01T10:27:00.000-07:00

Dear woman reading this nursing a broken heart,

don't give up. as much as it hurts, as confused as you may be....don't give up on love. the sleepless nights WILL turn into peaceful evenings of slumber. the loss of appetite will gradually grow into an insatiable hunger for LIFE. we can't allow the tenderness of our hearts to harden our emotions. easier said than done, yes i know. this song undoubtedly helped me realize that LOVE really is amazing and i LOVED being in it. even if i was IN it alone, i gave 100% and i don't regret it at all. there is something extremely satisfying about being loyal to your man. it is sexy and WOMANLY to nurture, encourage, and keep your man happy.

it was my wholeness of self that allowed me to happily oblige the needs and desires of "him"....so i know that once i am whole again, it would be my absolute pleasure to do this again. next time, well...next time it is my most fervent prayer that "him" is appreciative & faithful. because as satisfying as it is to be loyal to your man, it makes it even more worthwhile when he is also loyal to you. "so good to meeeeeee" - Ciara.

so ladies, again i say....don't give up on love. don't become bitter. bind love and happiness around your neck & wear it as the most beautiful accessory. 1 Corinthians 13 is WORTH IT.

"Men need 2 feel needed...need to feel important. & it's hard 4 them 2 feel that way w a powerful woman" -Oprah

on this journey through life, love, hurt, and success....never dim your light in order for people around you to feel more comfortable. be confident in who you are. be secure in your worth. never compromise your morals in order to make it easier for someone else. your "Mr.GodSentHim2Me" will rise to YOUR occasion, will love & support you...he will turn HIS light up & lead your relationship to the height intended for it by God. never fear ladies, he is out there. don't go looking. busy yourself in the work of the Lord. busy yourself getting to the YOU you are called to be. secure your heart in God's hands and always always always trust your intuition.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

p.s. i also like the version of this song featuring The Dream.

#realWomanSh*t
"see I'm thankful 4 every time u wash my clothes, could have been anywhere in the world but instead ur right here.." -the dream

DISASTERS IN DATING: officially moving on....

2010-09-25T13:34:00.000-07:00

it has been 28 days since i've seen him, and communication has been almost as scarce.
it's safe to say that it is time to officially move on. i am finally coming out of my 2 week funk and realizing that in order to get better i have to get moving. i've been torturing myself lately. visiting his twitter and facebook pages....i even looked at his blog knowing he RARELY updates that. i've even checked his website for new additions and revisions lol. but now, i realize that the more i check up on a life i'm no longer a part of...the more i will hurt. so instead of just going through the motions of my life, i will actively participate in it. i will consciously enjoy my friends and the time spent with them. i will come out of my own head & heart space in order to feel the sun, hear my laughter, and activate my smile.

the relationship is over.
the relationship is over.
the relationship is over.
the relationship is over.
the relationship is over.
the relationship is over.
the relationship is over.
the relationship is over.
the relationship is over.
the relationship is over.
the relationship is over.
the relationship is over.
the relationship is over.

*sigh* i had to say those words out loud, because just writing them doesn't seem to be enough to convince my heart that the relationship is in FACT....over. #ouch. today is my last day of contact. time to reprogram. my life must go on. this doesn't mean i won't hurt, cry, or miss him. this just means i am prepared to let go & let LIFE happen.

i'm good.....well, i'm getting back to being good.

this is me, officially moving on.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

Cyrah Austin Hawkins,
as much as i...no,WE ....
as much as we both wanted this to work, it didn't.
i won't place blame. we are both responsible for this failure.
we had some good times and i won't let the hurt of a broken heart
cause me to forget them. i pray that you first find and LOVE God.
then, in finding and forging your relationship with Him...i pray you find YOU.
i don't have to pray for you to find love, because i am sure that will come easily.
BUT, i do pray that the love is the epitome of 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love.
unconditional, forgiving, pure, comforting, honest, enduring.
i don't regret anything. i don't regret us. you helped me open my heart again.
i will forever be grateful to you for that.
u broke down my wall/guard & climbed right on in.
so thank you.
perhaps one day we'll be friends again.
but until then....
may wisdom, love, faith, happiness, courage, and favor never leave you.
i'll love you forever
& will always carry you in my heart.
your scent, your fingerprints, & our memories...will linger.

see you next lifetime baby.

& as always...be confident. be charismatic. be CYRAH....GYSO! *smile*

...faded pictures....

xoxo,
MiaMcK

p.s. this will be my last blog regarding him and this situation.

the end.....

THEME MUSIC: a GRENADE you'll Never forget

2010-09-24T06:30:00.000-07:00

had your eyes wide open....why were they open?

thank you Bruno, i think i am beginning to really like you.

and to my bff @whenf....your GENIUS never ceases to amaze me. i can't wait for the world to experience you through your music.

delete pics.
cover scent.
love & lust.
but never forget.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

DEAR SUMMER: now that you're gone...

2010-09-24T05:45:00.000-07:00

i am excited to welcome Fall.
the past two weeks i have been MORE than out of it.
the break up FINALLY really hit me....hard.
the energy was sucked right out of me.
dare i say i was tip toein' around some type of MINOR depression.
literally, my whole body hurt.
this morning....this early early morning i began to feel inspired.
in my weakness, i am beyond strong.
there, amidst the dark clouds, i see a glimmer of light.
YES!
people who know me, know that when i am in one place too long
i feel trapped. i like to get up and go at the drop of a dime.
i am the QUEEN of leaving.
not running....but experiencing new environments.
i am young....no kids, no relationship.
no ties. i can move freely.
as much as i LOVE the LA scene and living in Cali....
east coast living is necessary. EVERYONE should experience it sometime in life.
why not now?
dilemma. i have been sending out my rezzy A LOT so i know it will be getting hits soon.
this is why i am waiting until the end of October to officially transition outta here.
with this in mind, i was TOTALLY caught off guard when the west coast general manager for ALEXIS BITTAR called me last nite.
*smiling*
they begin interviews next week for their new west coast stores.
i am also heading to DC around the first week of October to pound the pavement in person.
needless to say, this will be a crucial month.
October pretty much determines whether i stay in LaLa land....
or begin a new adventure in the Chocolate City.

we shall see.....

xoxo,
MiaMcK

MY 2 CENTS: let the church prEy....

2010-09-22T01:16:00.000-07:00

I am not even going to read the details of this Bishop Eddie Long scandal.
i will just pray.
it is not my job to pass judgment on the Bishop or the accusers.
i will just pray.
the Christian community is falling apart.
where are the wrinkle and spot free churches?
but as my Bishop always says,
we go to church for GOD not the people.
my faith in God isn't dependent on how perfect or imperfect
my pastor/bishop/priest is.
my faith in God comes from knowing Jesus as my personal savior.
#thatisall #thatiseverything
we are merely men.
we WILL fail.
when our spiritual leaders fall victim to their flesh,
that doesn't make me turn away from church or God.....
I DRAW NEARER.
reading these silly gossip blogs and the comments makes me sick.
so easily the devil is glorified.

i will pray for God to have the last laugh. to God be the glory.
my faith is in the almighty.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

i def posted a comment over on theybf.com
just because all of those people commenting were so ignorant and LOST.
makes me sad...what is our world coming to?

*cue Mary Mary* "i wanna gooooooo to HEAVEN!!!"

DISASTERS IN DATING: give me a moment...

2010-09-21T02:37:00.000-07:00

old emails have me bugging out. a year ago my toes were touching the edges of new love. now the water in that pool is murky and uninviting.

still, i'm dying to swim.

breath held, underwater sluggishly swimming through it all. hoping the water hides these tears that keep falling.

drown already.
lungs filled with love.
suffocating on it.

one year ago he swore he'd follow me to Sheol Hell.
well i've been here painting my nails & still.....i'm alone.

i guess this is my long awaited break down. avoided it for so long and now it's wrapped around my whole body.

#iCan't.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

give me a moment to ummm grieve.
allow me to hurt, cry, & miss him freely.
i'm entitled to this.

THEME MUSIC: please return my call....

2010-09-21T02:28:00.000-07:00

it's been too long since i've seen yo face.
since i smelled the fragrance of your perfume.
& i can't get a hold of myself no more.
i tried to play it cool, but im simply breakin breakin down....

only we know what we lost....

xoxo,
MiaMcK

QUOTABLES: no "moonlight"...even less sunshine

2010-09-21T00:32:00.000-07:00

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
you make me happy when skies are gray.
you'll never know dear, how much i love you.
please don't take my sunshine away.....

*sigh*
dear blogger babies,
sh*t isn't good.
not totally bad....
but SO not good.
i miss him.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

shadows on your MOONLIGHT.
she's lost her way.
13 compasses, wrong direction.
find your way back.
love is waiting......
-- XIII

.............

2010-09-17T01:27:00.001-07:00

and all i can feel is hurt and confusion.
he's the only one i want to talk to....but i can't.
he's the only one that can make it better...but he won't.

i knew that once i let the tears fall, they'd never stop.
floodgates are now open.
it is....my heart. my life. my love. my pain. my confusion.
who cares what anyone else thinks.

i absolutely do not want to leave.
but he pushes and pushes and pushes,
forceful fingerprints all over my body.
so everday i leave.
& every nite my heart goes back.
anchored to unfinished business.

hopelessly.....utterly.....in love with a fool who won't get out of his own way & let love live.

stop hurting me.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

QUOTABLES: just leave already....

2010-09-15T23:45:00.000-07:00

"you never see it coming, you just get to see it go...." -drake

silly of me to even think to have confidence in you.
now that i've spoken my heart, i feel MUCH better about leaving.
i see you making absolutely NO effort to change...not for me.
but what about making yourself better for YOU...??
are you THAT selfish that you would sabotage your future because
you're too stubborn to get out of your own way?
i feel sorry for you.
blatantly pushing me away.
tsk tsk...glad i wont be around when this comes and bites you in the ass.
as much as this hurts, it kinda doesn't.
it's like a numb feeling.
i did my part....you chose not to do yours.

NOW.......now, i'm done.

goodbye

xoxo,
MiaMcK

p.s. i'm SO frustrated. "hurt turns to anger......friends turn to strangers". to think he can walk away so easily after professing his so-called love for me, after telling me that a relationship with me is what he wants. smh so full of sh*t!! as much as i hate him.....i love him even more. this sucks ass!!!

DISASTERS IN DATING: what about your friends....

2010-09-09T01:13:00.001-07:00

12:50a i received a call from a pretty coo friend of mine. he and i aren't super tight but we have had plenty of phone convos and have hung out a few times as well. our conversation was interesting to say the least. he told me that he had high hopes for my relationship and felt bad about seeing that it came to an end. he is in a relationship right now and felt that a few months ago we were on the same track as far as having love in our lives.

anywho, to hear the outside perspective of someone regarding my relationship and my friends was pretty crazy. he felt that, based on observations, my friends didn't support my relationship. i was baffled because i honestly felt the same way. he never met Cyrah or seen us interacting, but he supported my relationship from afar.

friends and relationships don't ever mix. opinions are okay....judgments aren't. most of my friends weren't used to me being in a relationship, so when i spent more time with him they felt neglected. neglect was never my intent. i was never in town so girl-time was limited, yes. but i have never been the type to let my world revolve around a man. and i will never be that type.

all of my friends know that i am very confident and strong-minded, so i could really careless if they hated Cyrah, if he was my choice...that was all there was to it. i was the one in the relationship, not them.

the point of this being that the older you get, the less involved your friends should be in your relationship. plain and simple.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

TWITTER ME THIS: trigga trey....

2010-09-09T00:46:00.000-07:00

tonight i was previewing Trey Songz's new album and giving my feedback via twitter. he happened to "love" one of my comments and proceeded to retweet me and tell me so.

this is his second time communicating with me on twitter and once again, it caused a frenzy. lmbo. i think he loves me. anywho, i really really really really like Passion, Pain, & Pleasure and hopefully his fans support him to the fullest. great album...can't wait to get it next week!

xoxo,
MiaMcK

PLAYLIST: flip, roll, pop.

2010-09-08T06:56:00.000-07:00

in the words of ME.... FLIP, ROLL, POP. flip ur hair, roll your eyes, and pop your gum. that's exactly what i'll be doing as i jam to this new joint by Willow Smith.

to the disgusting people who talk badly about this LITTLE GIRL, you should be ashamed of yourselves. i couldn't believe the comments i read on the gossip blogs about this song and child. why would you call a child WACK?? in what world is that okay? you've got to be kidding!

anywho, i support the Smith family! love love love them!

so go 'head Little Willow, do your thang! i dig you...in all of your laced up pants glory!

xoxo,
MiaMcK

DISASTERS IN DATING: roses and thorns....

2010-09-08T05:13:00.000-07:00

Monday I was watching a rerun of The View with President Obama as the guest. Joy asked President Obama if he still sits down with his family at the end of the day to discuss the ROSE and THORN of their day. I thought this was interesting because it puts life into perspective. You could be having what seems to be the worst day ever while you're actually going through it, but once the day is over if you sit back and think back on it there was probably SOMETHING that went right. Even if it was something as "insignificant" as a text message from an old friend just to say hello. That small gesture very well may be the rose amongst a thistle of thorns. I love that President Obama is instilling APPRECIATION into his daughters because so often we forget to appreciate...especially the small things.

So, i decided to incorporate "roses & thorns" into my life....hopefully it helps me to keep my eye steady on a positive target.

With break ups, a lot of times it's easy to feel like the bad is consuming you. Sometimes we have to step outside of ourselves in order to see that things aren't AS bad as we feel they are.

ROSE: for 3 years i was single. it wasn't always something that i loved but it was a necessary phase in my life. I was able to properly deal with all emotions from my previous relationship and I had a chance to fully understand all lessons I learned from it. 3 years of single living also led me to believe that a relationship was so out of my scope of vision that it would be dang near impossible for me to allow myself to become someone's girlfriend. I made up in my mind that my next REALationship would be the one that led me down that aisle. i was confident in this because i have been cautious with my heart. i don't let just anyone in. along came Cyrah.

here was the first man in over 5 years that i let in so easily. the first man that i actually wanted to let in and felt 100% comfortable doing so. i remember telling myself that "even if this doesn't work out, I am happy that he has helped me feel again". i said this not really expecting for this NOT to work out. *sigh* but nevertheless, FEELING again is my ROSE. my beautiful, beautiful rose. caring for someone, thinking of US and not me, giving myself freely.....LOVING. that is my rose. and no matter how i feel today, tomorrow, or next week...nothing & no one can take away what i felt when he kissed me. what i felt when i woke up next to him. what i felt when we loved. i won't let the bad in our relationship cause me to dismiss the good. i will hold on to that knowing that someday...i WILL feel that again. LOVE...you are my ROSE.

THORN: simply put, failure. i am absolutely terrified of heartache, i suppose that is why i hold my breath every time i feel sadness creeping to my surface. i refuse to feel that....even though i know it's there. #numb. my high expectations for this relationship are shattered and the obvious failure is a dreadful thorn in my side. i never wanted to be one of those girls who go through numerous heartaches and countless BS relationships....for nothing. i take pride in the fact that i am able to quickly learn from mistakes and not repeat them. i take matters of the heart seriously. as much as this break up pains my heart...the blow to my ego is almost AS devastating. Cyrah and Mia were supposed to last. we didn't. #failure.

what are your roses and thorns? i strongly urge that while you can, smell your roses daily before they wither & thorns are all you have left.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

rose lei he made for me at my graduation....

DISASTERS IN DATING: since you've been gone...

2010-09-07T15:55:00.000-07:00

It's been 4 weeks since you've looked at me.
Some days I'm absolutely fine.
Others, I have to fight the urge to allow emotions to bubble to the surface.
I refuse to spend my days angry, sad, confused, etc.
I am beginning to notice exactly how much you don't deserve me.
The more I think about the things that were wrong in our relationship, the more "over it" I become.
I don't see any change. No effort to make things work.
Since you've been gone, my peace of mind has returned.

It's been FOUR WEEKS since you've looked at me....
and I'm feelin' like I don't ever want to see you again.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

#imjustsayin...love is always needed

2010-09-04T23:51:00.000-07:00

It's been damn near a month since I've heard it or read it. Today I got it. It was EXACTLY what I needed. the "I love you" text. Sh*t is far from good between us, but those words in that text message were like hot chocolate & a good book on a rainy day. #comforting. If nothing else, I am seriously beginning to miss the small things. showering together. putting lotion on his back. watching funny youtube videos. that same old Bruce Lee movie. *sigh* I'm beginning to miss the small things.

I'm not dying without him.
I'm actually fine without him.
This isn't about a need...
This is about the person who I want.
Not in a selfish "I get what I want" way.
But in a "I want to spend my life making you smile" way.

A lot of work needs to be done.
Changes need to be made.
I can see, easily, that love...in its truest form is ALWAYS needed.
& his love is all that I want.

cuz I'm beginning to miss the small things.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

THE {B}est TO EVER DO IT: happy birthday

2010-09-04T13:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Beyonce Giselle Knowles-Carter:

For years you have been one of the arms that embraces me when I feel as though my heart will stop beating at any moment. You have helped me hear more clearly that little voice inside that was begging to be heard, the voice that said "Mia, you are beautiful". Your professionalism is forever evident and your talent is unmistakable. Your beauty transcends the superficial, because it radiates from your spirit. Thank you for pouring your heart and soul into your craft....thank you for sharing it with me. May love and happiness never leave you. God bless you as you celebrate another year. I appreciate and love you!

Thank you Bey!

Happy Birthday!

xoxo,
MiaMcK

YOUTUBE OF THE DAY: thanks for the reminder...

2010-09-04T09:33:00.000-07:00

i recently got the link to this video in a comment on one of my blogs. THANK YOU FOR THE REMINDER! this truly made my day.

Lydia's other vids are just as dope.

#talent

xoxo,
MiaMcK

PLAYLIST: Good Fridays...

2010-09-04T09:22:00.000-07:00

Kanye has decided to drop a new song every friday until his album comes out in december, yay for us! i must admit, "Monster" hasn't grown on me yet but "Devil in a New Dress" had me at HELLO! haha. i have been listening to it on repeat....saying i relate is stating the obvious.

click HERE for the mp3.

"May the Lord forgive us
May the gods be with us
And that magic hour I seen good Christians make rash decisions
Oh she dooo it, what happened to Religion?
Oh she lose it
She putting on her make up
She casually allure
Text message break ups, the casualty of tour
HOW SHE GON' WAKE UP AND NOT LOVE ME NO MORE?
I thought I was the ass hole, I guess it’s rubbing off
Hood phenomenom, the Lebron of rhyme
Hard to be humble when you stuntin on a jumbotron
I’m looking at her like “this what you really wanted, huh?”
Why we argue anyway? oh I forgot, it's summatime...."

*sidebar* he went IN on twitter last nite/this morning. kept it very real about his year of shun. "i accept the idea (ideal) that perception is reality" LAWD, have i NOT been saying this for the past 2 months? glad Kanye sees my point. as unfair or unreal the perception may be...it tends to be someone's reality. that's just the truth!!!

anywho, enjoy blogger babies!

xoxo,
MiaMcK

DISASTERS IN DATING: i hate this part right here....

2010-09-03T17:20:00.000-07:00

I know there are stages you go through in a breakup, I'm not sure of the order though. I have been pretty numb for the past month, not allowing myself to cry or feel too weak. Today, I got mad. Hello anger. I feel this relationship didn't mean sh*t...wasn't about sh*t. The way it has ended with no real "closure" is so ridiculous. I mean I don't really believe in "closure" but I do believe that some type of conversation is needed to kind of tie up loose ends. We haven't had that. I feel like I took the burden of the relationship and held it on my shoulders, so when I decided to release the burden, he pulled a b*tch move. I let him take the easy way out, he took it & ran QUICK! So, now
I'm mad.*bbm angry face* Mad cuz I honestly feel like I wasted the majority of 2010 on someone who wasn't genuine. #LessonLearned. I'm so very done.

selfish. unappreciative. disrespectful. arrogant. untruthful.

characteristics that make me so effin sick.

#doneANDdone

I just hate that I can't listen to some of my favorite songs now without feeling like my head will combust from holding in tears. Ugh! Love is for suckas...why did I forget that?

xoxo,
MiaMcK

"dedicating time when I really can't afford to be..." -drake

now I'm broke :-/ joke's on me.

DISASTERS IN DATING: social networking.....

2010-09-02T14:08:00.000-07:00

dear facebook,

i do not need to "Reach Out" to him.
please refrain from the reminders.
i am done reaching out.
i will not "reconnect" by writing on his wall
or sending him a message.
and twitter, thank you but no thanks for your "who to follow"
recommendations. i'd rather not.
if in real life we aren't poking, chatting, leading or following,
why front for the social sites?

we aint even friends.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

PHOTO OP: sweet dream or beautiful nightmare...

2010-09-02T04:57:00.001-07:00

can't sleep cuz i know my dreams will be plagued by you.
and when i wake up, i just KNOW this will all be a nightmare.
but i'm wrong.
when i start to fully accept the finality of this,
perhaps sleep will be more peaceful.
out of sight. out of mind.
why is that not working?

xoxo,
MiaMcK

#imjustsayin.... no double standards

2010-09-02T04:08:00.000-07:00

when it comes to shady activities, i despise it equally from men and women. i am utterly disgusted by the lack of respect people have for each other. nasty bitches and dirty dogs. excuse my language but i am very passionate about this topic.

women who freely offer their bodies to every Tom, Dick, & Harry make me want to vomit. men who live by the d*ck.....die by the d*ck. go get tested!

what happened to your body being a temple? these guys and girls who have so much mileage on their bodies are sad. do you not know your worth? do you not want to have something to offer your husband/wife? something that hasn't been completely thrashed by every female/male you found attractive....

smh. respect yourselves. this is not me judging....this is me just sick of people using sex as some weapon of mass destruction. destroying relationships, destroying self-esteem, destroying love.

the more i witness the careless way people treat themselves and others, the more appealing CELIBACY looks. what about you would make me want to have part of you deposited in my spirit?

i am denouncing all spirits that have attached themselves to me from previous "experiences". i refuse to be connected to people who burdern my spirit with the weight of their past.

freeing myself from you and all that you brought. disconnecting from him, him, him, and him.

ready to continue life with a light spirit.

#imjustsayin....who are you allowing to taint your spirit???

#cleanse

xoxo,
MiaMcK

PLAYLIST: kandi koated & loveLess

2010-09-02T02:59:00.000-07:00

laaaaaawd Kandi over here singing about leaving him if he doesn't do what he did to get her to keep her. this woman KNOWS she can write a damn song!!

"long talks, we used to do it. compromise, we used to do it......i'm bout to leeeeeave leeeeeave you."

girl girl girl, you better sing my life. she said "i put this on my mama, u keep doin the same thang...silence gonna be your best friend. cuz i wont be here & this house gonna b so cold without me here. you aint got to worry no more. i'm packin up my bags & im out the front door. byyeeee byeee byeee" YAAAAAAASSSSSSS!!! sing it bEtch!

compliments.affection. & passion. used to do it. *sigh*

#shoutout to dropthevibe.com for supplying this song to my blackberry MONTHS ago back when it was known as "Hurt". i feel so ahead of the game :-)

Loving You No More....

when you get hurt by the one you're living for, pain can make you wanna love no more...

"the same one i'm missin is basically the reason i became somethin different. it's just that i remember me before & if you can do the same baby then we'd be for sure..."

xoxo,
MiaMcK

PHOTO OP: iSpy....

2010-09-02T02:51:00.001-07:00

is that Bey i see rockin an au naturale face & her own locks?? hey girl heeeey!

yall know my Bey can do no wrong in my eyes. let that scalp breathe honeeeeey!

photo of her @ Rock the Bells-NYC.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

NEW VIDS: this creative SOB....

2010-09-02T02:41:00.001-07:00

i have always been kinda into CeeLo's eclectic style and AMAAAZING vocals. he def delivers on this new song. "im like fcuk you...and fcuk her too!!" lmbo.

looking forward to his album release. he has a supporter in me. loving this song and video way mucho!

enjoy blogger babies!

xoxo,
MiaMcK

FRESH FROCKS: give 'em the boot...

2010-09-02T02:03:00.000-07:00

Joe Riding Boot

the boot has been a tricky trend to capture correctly, but we are all in luck. the boot is now fully functional.....and cute to boot. *no pun intended*

remember when Beyonce' made the Manolo Blahnik boot popular with every chick from the suburbs to the hood? LAWD HAFF MURCEE! i couldn't stand that shoe!!!!

i am totally loving boots this season. all boots! chunky (or clog) boots, stiletto boots, thigh high boots, platform boots, embellished combats, ankle boots, lace up boots, peep toe boots, cowboy boots (of course), rainboots, wedge boots, cut out boots....thank you for making a come back!!!

complete your fall wadrobe with a cute boot or two and i PROMISE that you will be right on trend, stepping out in utterly fab style.

xoxo,

MiaMcK

a few boots from www.shopnastygal.com that caught my eye...happy hunting for your perfect pair!

Falken Clog Boot

Prague Combat Boot

Harley Platform Boot

DISASTERS IN DATING: no one really knows...

2010-09-01T18:58:00.000-07:00

today...not so good. i feel absolutely sick to my stomach. the anxiety has returned and i feel tears literally on the brink of my eyes.

*give me a moment*

no one really knows how i feel. my words don't do me justice. i can still hide my hurt behind them. saying one thing but really meaning something else.

"it kills me, to know how much i really love you...."

today would have been the start of 9 months together. everything seemed to fall apart so quickly and i just feel so helpless. but i gotta pull it together because i have so many people looking at me expecting me to be okay. expecting me to just brush it off and keep it pushing.

Mia isn't supposed to hurt. Mia isn't supposed to cry and be sad. happy happy joy joy. *blank stare* please, audience....shut the fcuk up & let me hurt. my emotions are on display....but that doesn't mean you're allowed to touch them.

i loved him.....no, i love him. it's starting to hit me now. not waking up next to him. not cooking or cleaning for him. not kissing him. not touching him. not seeing him. as i type this i literally feel like i'm suffocating because i'm struggling to keep the tears from falling.

*can't breathe......*

BUT, i know we aren't supposed to be together right now. the goodness between us got lost somewhere and either it's gone forever oooor we just aren't willing to find it.

this......this was supposed to work.

damn, i just want that old thing back.
reading old journal entries makes me remember how excited i was about this.
in the beginning there was us...only us.
now i feel like we're contaminated. US is not pure.

i just want that old thing back.

we were never perfect, but we were "WE". as much as i get him....as much as i understand him.....i don't think he got me.

this is me being EXTREMELY vulnerable. i don't care what anyone says....i don't care who doesn't understand. i miss the man who loved to cuddle. i miss the man who made me feel beyond beautiful. i miss us.

this sucks.

XIII,

I love you.
i know we can work.
we need work.
let's work.
gotta find our way back.

if you're a bird......i'm a bird baby.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

THEME MUSIC: throwback tunes....

2010-08-31T20:18:00.000-07:00

i think a lot of times men forget to appreciate the women in their lives. mother, sister, friend, wife, girlfriend, etc. when was the last time you (mister man reading this) told the "her" in your life that you were proud of her? when was the last time you encouraged her because you knew she was stressed & "going through it"?

women are EXPECTED to hold their man down & be so damn ride-or-die, but how often do we get the same treatment in return. fellas, i know your girl sends you sweet text messages....have you returned the favor? yes, i know that men and women act differently in relationships but some things should be universal. loyalty, respect, care...those are all significant components in relationships that tend to never be equally present from both partners.

New Edition asks "can you stand the rain?" and i will answer it for A LOT of the men out there....the answer is NOT AT ALL. men are supposed to be protectors and providers. when was the last time you earnestly protected her heart or provided her with comfort???

just something to think about. run out and buy an umbrella or matter of fact, just stay indoors. this rain....this love...is clearly not for the faint of heart.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

DISASTERS IN DATING: oil spots & fingerprints

2010-08-30T17:55:00.000-07:00

i just got off the phone with my Auntie Sue....she is absolutely amazing & i am beyond grateful for her. she was dropping all kinds of wonderful witticisms on me. yes, i said witticisms. lmbo. we discussed relationships, life, and family. this woman is so crazy....especially when it comes to her stance on being celibate. she refuses to let a man stain up her "garage" with his unchecked & unmaintenanced vehicle.

this got me to thinking.... how many of us women are allowing men to come in our garages (body & heart) and leave their mark, this mark that leaves our garage less than clean? *raising my hand*

i do declare, i would like to get back to my pristine state. clean & void of the scum. no oil. no fingerprints on my windows. no smudges. we will never be able to reach this point until we make a conscious effort to take more pride in ourselves. don't be afraid to walk in your worth.

you are worth more than a half ass relationship, a booty call, a liar, a cheater....you are worth more than all of that. we have to stop settling just for the sake of settling. growing older doesn't mean we get into a relationship to settle down....we should be waiting on that relationship that riles us up. livens us up. fills us up.

bust out your gloves and cleaning products....time to rid our lives of the unfavorable remnants of past lovers, users, "men". in order to move on with LIFE we must remove all oil spots and fingerprints.

good luck sistas!

xoxo,
MiaMcK

you left your fingerprints all over me. all over my heart. so quickly we fell apart & as much as it hurts me...i'm windexing every smudge of you from my life. cleaning off this so-called "love" that was once all over me. left unappreciated, i'm taking my love back. fingerprints off. please don't touch.

NEW VIDS: can't be friends.....welcome back Mizz Sullivan

2010-08-30T13:24:00.000-07:00

and i wish we never did it....
and i wish we never loved it...

i am so very happy that Jazmine Sullivan is coming back on the scene. for awhile i was afraid she would be a one hit wonder. i dig the video...i mean, who doesn't love the classicness that is HOUSE PARTY!! her style is also on the come up. YES! my prayers have been answered. i'm so digging the blue mascara. I remember when i was in junior high i would sneak and wear my mom's blue, purple, and green mascaras. *sigh* no wonder so many people thought i was weird growing up. whateva....i call it trendsetting! BOOM IN YO FACE!

xoxo,
MiaMcK

PLAYLIST: When a Woman Loves...

2010-08-30T11:45:00.000-07:00

hopefully she doesn't get fed up.
cuz we all know what happens then.
#preachMia

lmbo.

nah but welcome back R.Kelly. i love the old school soul in this song. def on repeat.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

p.s. i don't mean to play devil's advocate, buuuut i feel like Trey Songz would have murdered this song. #justsayin

THEME MUSIC: the way i love you, just call me MiMi Homemaker

2010-08-30T10:39:00.000-07:00

reciprocity.
gave you everything.
perhaps that was too much.
and i'm not one to beg, so i'm gone.

sing to 'em Bey!

Now, now, now, honey
You better sit down and look around
Cause you must've bumped yo' head
And I love you enough to talk some sense back into you, baby
I'd hate to see you come home, me the kids
And the dog is gone
Check my credentials...
I give you everything you want everything you need
Even your friends say I'm a good woman
All I need to know is why?

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
And why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

I got beauty, I got class
I got style, and I got @ss
And you don't even care to care
Looka here
I even put money in the bank account
Don't have to ask no one to help me out
You don't even notice that

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

I got beauty, I got heart
Keep my head in them books, I'm sharp
But you don't care to know I'm smart
Now, now now now now now now
I got moves in your bedroom
Keep you happy with the nasty things I do
But you don't seem to be in tune
Ooh.....

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

There's nothing not to love about me
No, no, there's nothing not to love about me
I'm lovely
There's nothing not to need about me
No, no, there's nothing not to need about me
Maybe you're just not the one
Or maybe you're just plain....... DUMB

i have always liked this video...it's def the best i've seen from her.

After all of the times that we tried,
I found out we were living a lie
And after all of this love that we made,
I Know Now you don't love me the same

The way that I love
(The way that I love you)

The way that I love
(The way that I love you)

The way that I love
(The way that I love you)

I woke up kinda early today, and something told me from that moment it wouldn't be the same
Felt like you were hidin' something, but I didn't push it,
I didn't complain or say nothing
I tried to act like I didn't see it,
'cause deep down I know I didn't wanna believe it
There it was, it was you and her,
you left your sidekick on the night stand and I read

Everything you did and everything you said,
now I'm standin' here lookin' like damn
I thought it was you and I,
now all I gotta say is why

The way that I love
(The way that I love you)

I noticed now that when I'm around, you be tryin' to lock the door, whispering on the phone
Now wait a minute,
since we been in this house you ain't never did this before, tell me what's this about..
(What's this about)
I tried to sit and say to myself,
this here is too good, he don't want nothin' else

There it was, it was you and her,
you left the credit card receipt inside the beamer with

Everything you bought
And everything you spent, now I'm standing here
once again I thought it was you and I,
now all I have to say is why

The way that I love
(The way that I love you)

Oh Oh
You lied
You lied
Oh why
Why
Yes
Why'd you have to lie to me
Why'd you have to lie to me-e
Why'd you have to lie to me
Why, why, why, why
You lied, you lied, you lied
We made, we made, we made
Oh

xoxo,
MiaMcK

QUOTABLES: the all knowing Drizzy Drake Rogers...

2010-08-27T16:10:00.000-07:00

"And you just tell me what you down for,
Anything you down for,
I know things have changed ,
Since I used to be around more,
I hope that ya miss me a little when im gone,
Hope that
You miss me a little when I'm gone..."

-Drake "Miss Me"

that's all i want....call it ego or whateva. i just want him to miss me how i miss him.

#reciprocity

hurt like i hurt. want to change and grow just as much as i want to change and grow.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

RANDOM ISH: dream catcher...

2010-08-27T15:25:00.000-07:00

last week i had a dream that my teeth were falling out. i don't remember all of the details, only that i could literally feel the iron like taste of blood in my mouth. i was trying to cover my mouth as my teeth crumbled and fell out. i was horrified...but no one in my dream seemed to be bothered by my misfortune.

i finally got around to googling the meaning of this kind of dream and found that it was SO on point. when you dream that your teeth are falling out it has a lot to do with you feeling that what you have to say isn't being respected or understood.

in my relationship i was feeling like my opinion and point of view was falling on deaf ears....like nothing i said/felt had any value to him. it was BEYOND frustrating to be the type of person i am (all about communicating) and not being able to properly communicate with my significant other. this dream was such an accurate depiction of my conscious and subconscious feelings.

guess i'll be googling my dreams a lot more from now on.

for a full break down of my dream, click here: DREAM MEANING

xoxo,
MiaMcK

DISASTERS IN DATING: checkmate....

2010-08-26T23:38:00.000-07:00

this little game we play. why do we play this sick game of torture? silently we put ourselves through the agony of the unknown all on account of not wanting to be the one who folds first. firm poker face...i call your bluff. i think.

the longer you hold out on communication the more in control you are. right? well, i feel like the longer i force myself not to tell him i love him...the weaker i become. my imagination goes crazy.

"he clearly doesn't care, he hasn't shown any emotion"

"perhaps this was all a joke. all a lie, i MUST have imagined the love"

blah blah blah...etc etc. when will my mind be quiet.

i'm the type that feels if something needs to be said...just say it. in the middle of a storm don't you feel hope when that sliver of sunlight slips through the dark clouds? that piece of light is like a beacon...letting you know "this too shall pass".

wouldn't an "i love you" in the midst of chaos act as a glint of sunlight? an assurance that although things are SHITTY right now....i still care. i still want the best for you. i still....well, i still love you.

i guess my way of thinking is off. i guess everyone has to play the game. no one wants to be seen as weak. so we put our guard up, hold our ground, & lay in wait...suffering. all in the name of "winning".

my poker face sucks.
the defense line has been breached & the Queen is vulnerable for attack.

#Checkmate

#iLose

xoxo,
MiaMcK

POETICALLY INCLINED: drug of choice....

2010-08-26T20:38:00.001-07:00

i get high off your memory.
poppin pills engraved with I LOVE YOU.
snortin powder that smells like your scent.
injecting endorphins in my veins....natural pain killer.
i get high off your memory.

i fcukin love u.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

THEME MUSIC: i don't ask for much....

2010-08-26T20:31:00.000-07:00

What I need from you is understanding,
How can we communicate,
If you don't hear what I say.
What I need from you is understanding,
So simple as 1-2-3,
Understanding is what we need.

You don't really know me,
You just wanna do what you wanna do.
That's not the way it should be,
No, you should listen to me boy.
I try so very hard to make you understand,
But the choices you make, baby they're all demands.

I try so very hard to keep our love alive,
But you don't wanna meet me half way,
Then the understanding dies.
[Tamika]
There's no way that we can work it out,
If we don't pull together.
I don't mean to be demanding,
But I want some understanding,
I want to be with you.

I listen to you baby,
And I know the things you're going through.
I try to understand,
That's why I'm still here with you, baby.
See everyday we're living,
Is one thing that will always be unsure.
That's why I need you baby, pleading baby,
Please let our love endure.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

RANDOM ish: basic math...

2010-08-26T14:17:00.000-07:00

today i made a mistake in calculations.
3 x 5= 13...i told my nephew.
my mind isn't functioning quite right, clearly.
atleast i know one equation
you - me = reality.

if only i could input that into a calculator
& have it read "ERROR".

xoxo,
MiaMcK

PHOTO OP: thank u for being a friend

2010-08-25T01:13:00.001-07:00

it is when your heart aches....mind is boggled...emotions are on the fritz....and stress is like second skin.....

that's when your girls are a phone call away,

knowing EXACTLY how badly you're hurting.
they seem to know exactly what the invisible tears mean.
every sigh, every groan...they decode it perfectly.
and even though you're not totally ready to talk because words fail you,
they are waiting in the wings...ready when you are.

onikhol, cons, ruthi, jimmy, nise, bleether, meeks, ry ry, BB, niquey mo, etc etc.....

i need you now.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

DISASTERS IN DATING: all you need is one good one...

2010-08-23T19:25:00.001-07:00

the past couple of weeks i have been plagued with anxiety.
the kind that labors your breathing & makes it hard to have an appetite.
i've been exercising the muscles in my eyes, trying my hardest not to let a tear fall.

im too G for that...right?
cuz i promised myself i would never cry again. i hate it.
i internally bash myself because i feel like crying is weak.

but sometimes the hurt builds up a little too much.
my external armor has started to weaken a bit.
today is that day. the nail was def put in the coffin & i see that this is clearly dead.

ouch.com

now i realize that perhaps all i need is one good cry.....

let it all out.

frustration. misunderstanding. hurt. confusion. disappointment. anger. resentment.

time to purge.

don't bother me, im crying.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

FRESH FROCKS: eShop til u eDrop.

2010-08-23T16:48:00.000-07:00

i love interning in the fashion industry...it's like a brand new world everyday, lots of exploration.

the world of fashion is one that you will never be able to conquer...there is just SO much to it. i looooove it.

anywho, one of the newbie interns hipped me to this haute little site where you can shop new AND vintage! AMAZING MUCH???

oh yeah baaaabay!!

the prices range from moderate to almost expensive...but for the quality of clothes, u know it's worth it.

check it out.
fall in love.
eShop til u eDrop.

www.shopnastygal.com

enjoy blogger babies!

xoxo,
MiaMcK

few items i love:

*new* the Square Off sunglasses

*vintage* the Devon Disco Jacket

FRESH FROCKS: accessorize ya life...

2010-08-23T16:07:00.000-07:00

this weekend i fell in love with this watch while having a love affair in MetrOpark.

#iDie

there is nothing more feminine than a chunky men's watch on a thin wrist...topped off with perfectly painted poppin nails!

xoxo,
MiaMcK

PLAYLIST: lovesCold...

2010-08-23T15:48:00.000-07:00

i feel like Will is a genius.
he is not only one of my bestest friends EVER,
he is majorly talented.

i must warn you....this is a tease. only 1 minute and 44 seconds of greatness.

"im feelin like ur purposely hurtin me, unconcerned with how i feeeeeel...."

enjoy blogger babies!

xoxo,
MiaMcK

#imjustsayin : we want prenup!!

2010-08-23T13:35:00.000-07:00

A prenuptial agreement, antenuptial agreement, or premarital agreement, commonly abbreviated to prenup or prenupt, is a contract entered into prior to marriage, civil union or any other agreement prior to the main agreement by the people intending to marry or contract with each other. ..

so i was thinking...i know i don't have much (yet) but can i still get a prenup? not for marriage...but for life in general.

friendships & relationships both consist of verbal/non verbal agreements that include loyalty, trust, respect, honor, etc...right?

wouldn't it make sense that if a friend or a lover turned out to be a total douche bag that there be some contract that allows for totally legal & acceptable repercussions?

say your friend decides to tell your business or take you on Maury to reveal she's having a baby by your boyfriend, the prenup should have some clause that says you are herein entitled to beat the sh*t out of her.

or perhaps your boyfriend has dropped the ball on his boyfriend duties & your relationship is now falling apart. wouldn't it be nice if the aforementioned party had to like umm i don't know....kiss your entire ass?

don't mind me... #imjustsayin

xoxo,
MiaMcK

QUOTABLES: and the winner is....

2010-08-23T11:06:00.001-07:00

"i'd rather not be alone in the ring fighting. even if i get slaughtered, atleast i know my opponent was passionate about something...."-MiaMcK

i often have conversations in my head and that is how i come up with my quirky sayings and poignant quotes. this morning i was in my head discussing how logical it would be to fight for something that the other person doesn't even want. am i alone in the ring beating myself up over something my opponent is sitting out on?

which brings me to my quote.....get in the ring with me. let's fight for the prize. let's fight for US. because even if i get dragged, the bruises will show that clearly the fight was worth it to us.

let's get ready to ruuuuuuumble!!!

xoxo,
MiaMcK

DISASTERS IN DATING: bloody casualties....

2010-08-23T01:10:00.001-07:00

if you're a bird, i'm a bird.

bang bang u shot me down.....

right out of our cloudy skies.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

don't play the victim.
the gun ur holding is the one smoking.

guns don't kill people.
people kill people.
love doesn't hurt people.
people hurt people.

DISASTERS IN DATING: be a streetcleaner

2010-08-23T00:52:00.000-07:00

so the other nite a few friends & i had a spa nite. (spa nite: girlfriends + swimsuits + spa/jacuzzi + LOTS of girl talk). we've been doing them for years now....they always seem to be MUCH needed in one of our lives.

anywho, i came up with this silly idea to tell SCARY LOVE STORIES. cuz i mean what ghost story can compare to the frightful "situationships" we have been through thus far!? lol we went around the spa, each girl telling a "scary love story" about another girl there. to hear your love life somewhat fictitiously retold by a friend is quite comical.

when it got around to me, my story about "Jerri the Giant & Thumbalino" had quite a few characters that are now reverberating with the girls and i. Peter the PitStop, Oscar the Obstacle, Henry the Hurdle, Steve the Stop Sign, Ron the Roadblock etc. in all actuality, we have ALL dealt with these characters. guys who have come in and out of our life causing drama, leaving scratches on our hearts and bruises on our ego. we have ALL dealt with guys who have taken tiny parts of us that we will never get back, & if we do...that part of us is not quite the same. USED. not so brand new.

our trust isn't fully charged. our self confidence not AS gleaming. our hearts just a tad harder to get to......but we, my friends & i, have decided to LET ALL OF THAT GO. we are devoted to becoming SKARIKA THE STREETCLEANER & removing all the rubbish from our carefully paved streets.

we are awaiting CHARLIE the CHAMPION.

lol. funny story for my friends & i....but in all seriousness, making a conscious effort to accept ONLY what you truly deserve is a much needed change in all of our lives.

thank God for good friends.
love u ladies!

xoxo,
MiaMcK

#imjustsayin: my AMAZING day

2010-08-23T00:05:00.000-07:00

i don't believe in perfect, but i do live by AMAZING.
things can be AMAZING & be far from perfect.
i do declare that one day imma wake up & EVERYTHING is going to be amazing.
sleep will fade seamlessly away 5 minutes before my alarm sounds.
well rested & ready to take the day on, i find nothing but AMAZING clothes
in my well organized closet.
and those jeans that fit a little too snug last week...are fitting somewhat AMAZINGLY today.
that makes me smile....real big!
my nails & toes are perfectly painted, no chips.
gas tank on F & my wallet didn't feel it.
im not bloated or feeling fat, my curves are curving just right.
what an AMAZING day.
hair is doing EXACTLY what i want it to do (oh, that will be the day...the AMAZING day)
& this fresh bottle of mascara has my lashes at the length i've always desired.
no bird crap on my windshield.
no scuff on my favorite high heels.
i even got through a shower & shaving session with not one single nick from the razor.
sun is shining...but not so much as to cause a sweat. but rather...a nice glow.
the breeze is AMAZING, no need for a jacket.
my friends are happy...my family is blessed.
im loving this AMAZING day.
my heart is beating regularly, no sign of aches or breaks.
i dont even feel the slightest twinge of anxiety or the dull sensation of tears.
AMAZING.

one day imma wake up & EVERYTHING is going to be AMAZING.
cuz i don't believe in perfect but i do live by AMAZING.
i cant help but think that this day wouldn't be so far fetched if he believed in amazing too.

#imjustsayin

xoxo,
MiaMcK

PHOTO OP: when you're not here....

2010-08-22T03:15:00.000-07:00

i sleep in ur tshirt.
and im pretty sure you're gone for good,
so until this fades away completely...
i'll secretly hold on for awhile.
sssssh, don't tell my mind cuz it's supposed to be "made up" about u.

"own my heart, my mind, & the tshirt that i sleep in...."

xoxo,
MiaMcK

POETICALLY INCLINED: but not really....

2010-08-22T02:20:00.001-07:00

i had something really good to say, then i forgot it.
had the words thought out nicely, adjectives all in place.
i was inspired by his smile, his face, his expressions....
then i forgot 'em.
not on purpose....it kind of just happened.
i held on for as long as possible, hoping i'd keep a memory.
but he kept slipping away.
i meant to document this experience, so i could always remember.
kept telling myself to write down the fun times and every joke that made me laugh.
but i didn't.
i swear i really wanted to share with the world what great joy he brought,
but i suppose i wanted to keep some of us secret.
cuz i mean, seemed like the more that people "knew" the worst it became.
no one ever really wants to see someone else happy.
i was initially inclined to blog about the time he kissed my every tattoo...
yep all 7 of 'em.
& at that moment i was sure that i would get more ink just so his lips would never leave me.
i'd get an X across my heart & would hope he'd find that spot everyday of his life.
yea, i was going to blog about that.
but i didn't.
weekly bubble baths meant for two and champagne on ice.
i forgot about the sweet whispers and nights wrapped in his arms.
i definitely made an attempt to tell about how each morning we took turns making breakfast for each other.
so easily it slipped my mind.
cuz we forget to tell about the goodness, those moments discarded once love goes sour.

i was POETICALLY INCLINED to pen my greatest love story about him.
but not really....

cuz i have decided to keep it all inside.

xoxo,

MiaMcK

PLAYLIST: Adele does me so right....

2010-08-21T19:11:00.000-07:00

You say it's all in my head
And the things I think just don't make sense
So where you been then? Don't go all coy
Don't turn it round on me like it's my fault
See I can see that look in your eyes
The one that shoots me each and every time
you know i know just how you feel 'cause honey I'm startin' to feel that way too when you

grace me with your cold shoulder
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her
You shower me with words made of knives
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her

These days when I see you
You make it look like I'm see-through
Do tell me why you waste our time
When your heart ain't in it, and you're not satisfied
You know I know just how you feel
I'm starting to find myself feeling that way too

When you grace me with your cold shoulder
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her
You shower me with words made of knives
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her

Time and time again, I play the role of fool
(Just for you)
Even in the daylight when you think that
(I don't see you)
Try to look for things I hear but our eyes never find
'Though I do know how you play

You grace me with your cold shoulder
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her
You shower me with words made of knives
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her

You grace me with your cold shoulder
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her
You shower me with words made of knives
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her

xoxo,
MiaMcK

DEAR SUMMER: good riddance....

2010-08-21T16:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Summer,

i used to love you.
but this year, you've been a real b*tch.
global warming had temps down & my personal flames waning.
i was living in a cold war.
stand-offish.
"i never dreamed you'd leave in summer"
but that's what it is.
blew out my invisible candles
and watched us go up in smoke.

now, i've never been more ready to layer up,
watch leaves change colors,
& let the wind take all the icky feelings far far away.

Hello Fall.....how badly i await you.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

FUNNY FUNNY: kids do the darndest things...

2010-08-21T15:53:00.000-07:00

so yesterday my 9 year old nephew D was going super hard on some bbq lays chips a few hours before football practice. my brother tells him to "lay off the salt before practice" and my sis-in-law says "yea, go wash 'em down with some water". my nephew then disappears into the kitchen for a few moments before returning to us and asking "okay so can i drink it out of the bag???"

LMBO!!! he went and LITERALLY washed the chips with water by filling the bag of chips with faucet water. i IMMEDIATELY start crying laughing. let me tell you.....i desperately NEEDED that laugh. mind you, he asked this with the straightest face....he was beyond dead serious. LMBO.

so thank you Neph for bringing a long lost laugh to my tummy.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

TWITTER ME THIS: hiatus much?

2010-08-21T12:03:00.000-07:00

i am currently on a break from twitter. no particular reason....just thought i'd focus less on the social networking scene & focus more on me. for instance, i have been able to put my random thoughts and outbursts on this blog and in my journal instead of limiting myself to 140 characters. Also, i have avoided the tendency to check up on him to see what he's doing, how he's doing, etc. I mean, if he wanted me to know.....he would let ME know. I am avoiding him altogether....especially via social networks.

so my blogger babies, if you feel the urge to get in contact with me. CALL ME.

let's get back to that. hear my voice instead of ALWAYS reading my words. granted, my words do flow nicely. *smiley face*

my Ruthi is also on this hiatus as well. we agreed to go until september 1st....i don't think she is gonna last. annnnnd i kinda feel like i may go even longer, just so i can get back in the swing of updating my blog and actually writing down my feelings/thoughts in my personal journal.

words are my therapy and i have a feeling i am going to need them A LOT.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

p.s. although, i do feel a nice twitter rant coming along. i may break my hiatus today....one day only!!!

PLAYLIST: what i'm listening to...

2010-08-20T16:12:00.003-07:00

blame me for having faith in this relationship....

i don't know what this war's about, been through too much not to work it out.....i am your woman so show some respect & treat me as such...

i want this fiasco to end, so baby we can start all over again...

DISASTERS IN DATING: the proverbial break......up

2010-08-20T10:23:00.000-07:00

i have heard fairytale stories as well as nightmares regarding couples who have gone on "breaks". from the couple who a break did wonders for, because they realized what they had in each other....to the couple who seen that a break UP was clearly what was needed and stayed apart. but how do you know what group you fall in? are your issues so profound that a break up is the only logical thing to do? or is the love so genuine that both parties are willing to put in the work to resolve issues and grow together.

what if you're a mix of both categories? what if you know the love has what it takes to work but the issues have consumed the relationship and it seems better to part ways than continue on a road leading to unhappiness.....*sigh* relationships suck. when you have been so far removed from the relationship mindset, it can be difficult to change your mind to the "us" and "we" instead of the "i" and "me".

how do we get back to our happy place when the road is hidden by the rubbish of miscommunication, resentment, anger, misunderstanding, etc??

how did we get so lost on this road that neither one of us can mapquest or googlemap the correct directions back to the good times? how do we find our way back? back to what though? this makes me wonder if we were ever happy or were we both wanting so badly for this long awaited union to work that we overlooked tell-tale warning signs? i just don't know anything anymore.

perhaps, parting ways IS what's best. how else am i supposed to feel when it seems as if i'm the only one willing to learn, change, and grow. so i suppose i'll seal this "Dear John" letter and let this burn.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

damn you XIII.....this was supposed to work.

QUOTABLES: proverbs never lie...

2010-08-19T10:16:00.000-07:00

many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find? - Proverbs 20:6

seems that even in the Bible it is known that love has little to do with being faithful. these are merely men we deal with, why do we put so much confidence in them? obviously, in relationships, love isn't enough. it takes much more than love to make 'em work.

fcuk love. give me respect....it goes much further. when you respect someone, you treat them in high regard. you can't say the same for love. often times the people we proclaim to love are the ones we hurt the most. so spare me the Lword & start serving me R-E-S-P-E-C-T in large quantities.

BUT, if love was thought of how the Bible teaches it, perhaps i would feel differently.

it's crazy that as highly as the Bible speaks of love...we treat it so badly. 1 Corinthians 13: 1-13....this passage is all about love, yet how many of us have read this and applied it to our lives. we take love for granted...we disgrace its meaning.

the first three scriptures talk about how if you have so much wealth, power, talent, etc and don't have love then you gain nothing. scriptures 4-7 define what love is....patient, kind. it does not envy or boast. it is not self-seeking....love ALWAYS protects, ALWAYS trusts, ALWAYS hopes, ALWAYS perseveres. talk about a tear-jerker. the Bible is the greatest love story ever! it is the WORD that says LOVE NEVER FAILS. so why do we have so little faith in it? so little respect for such a powerful thing? we toss this word around like there isn't GODLY meaning in it.

the passage then goes on to say that without love we can do things, but when perfection (love) comes, the imperfect disappears. we put childish thinking, reasoning, and acting aside. through love we become men and women. Faith, hope, and love.....love is the greatest.

i am truly inspired by this passage. it makes me want to be loved better. makes me want to love better. knowing these scriptures, how can you settle for anything less than the kind of love described in it. the kind of love that inspires you to be a better man/woman. the kind of love that encourages you to do everything better.

i want that 1 Corinthians 13 love.

xoxo,

MiaMcK

DISASTERS IN DATING: just another sad love song...

2010-08-18T12:22:00.000-07:00

why do women feel the ridiculous need to listen to sappy love songs when they are feeling the aches of love?? is it not enough that your stomach is in knots and sleep brings dreams of him?

we are creatures of self torment i suppose.

oh well, press play and let that heart break....

what i am listening to:
Jaheim- Find My Way Back

xoxo,
MiaMcK

p.s. don't let the tears, frowns, & heartache consume you for too long. get back to your HAPPY!

POETICALLY INCLINED: Borrowing Rainboots....

2010-08-17T11:32:00.000-07:00

"she wasnt prepared for the storm the first time,
so now she wears rainboots in the sunshine...." - Lite for B

Needed some rainboots cuz it started storming in July.
Heatwave in August, but my rain hasn't let up. sunny gray sky.
wear & tear on my boots had me slipping regardless of the resisting.
held my tongue for far too long, all in the name of submitting.
Sacrificed my peace of mind, just to keep the peace.
Relationship on its last leg, so he flew east.
Deserted the crime scene, prime suspect on the run.
CSI: North Hollywood. investigation done.
evidence collected.
scattered traces of love all over.
outline of a heart drawn on the bathroom mirror.
flakes of care & strands of compassion in combs & brushes.
the scent of passion laced in the sheets.
ghosts of good times still linger.
echoes
of laughter
extremely
vivid

...........flatline

and so here i am, summertime sniffles.
B brings me rainboots, no questions asked.
reinforce the rubber. cuz i'm not slipping anymore.

DISASTERS IN DATING: perception is the new reality

2010-08-17T10:58:00.000-07:00

Just as in Hollywood how image is everything, in relationships it is perception that seems to hold so much weight. how do outside people view your relationship? Often times it is the world who sees things that we may not see or what may in fact not even be true. But just as a Christian desires for their Christ-like light to reflect to the world, wouldn't it be nice that your relationship's happy glow is seen as a beacon? Or are the flashing lights of your relationship really flares, signaling an emergency?

I feel that perception is so very important in relationships because you want your solid foundation to show so much that even the boldest male or female will think twice about trying to destroy it. The perception of solid ground should cause every side heaux to retreat. Perception should not be a front though....it should be reality.

If more men and women understood the importance of perception, certain actions would cease. Frequent communication with exes, text messages from the opposite sex, etc would all be null and void. I can only speak from a woman's point of view, so when I say that some GIRLS don't give a damn....know that there is nothing but truth in that statement. A simple text message to a guy is a crack in the foundation for a girl. Some girls will continue to disrespect a relationship because the guy in it allows them to do so.

Fellas, when was the last time you nipped inappropriate conversation in the bud because it could be perceived the wrong way by your girlfriend?? I am pretty sure 100% of guys would have a fit if their girlfriend had conversations with guys in the same manner that they had with girls outside of their relationship.

Love shouldn't have double standards. point blank period.
Do unto her as you would have done unto you.

If random girls perceive your relationship to be unstable, they will find the crack and dig deep. when that crack becomes a trench, what happens then? resentment. arguing. misunderstanding. diminishing trust. lack of communication.

Relationships require a responsibility that too many people lack. Maturity is also served in low doses.

Before you take another step in your relationship, think hard about what you have contributed to it. What have you been taking for granted? It is never too late to learn from your mistakes and correct them accordingly.

Don't let faulty perception be the death of amor.

xoxo,
MiaMcK

POETICALLY INCLINED: and i know this much....

2010-08-15T19:39:00.000-07:00

sleepless in California
good rest evades me.
afraid that if my eyes close for too long
haunting images will be permanently etched under my eye lids.
nightmare-ish lullaby songs.
"yo side of the bed" on repeat & skippin.
im long gone & lost.
tryin to find my way back when i kiss u.
compass permanently pointing South.
Mary J wailing about how "im going down...."
been functioning on mute, screaming for attention.
clearly unheard.
your every action is met with my disapproving reaction.
can't get right.
giving while you take.
how did we even get here?
miscommunicating vital information.
i love you sounds like i tolerate you.
wires must be crossed.
must be static on the line.
their words mean more than mine?
caller id has got to be broken.
those break...not hearts.
unclear air, untamed fires are smokin.
all of this doesn't make sense.
& i don't understand most of it.
BUT....
i know this much.

Sheol Hell won't be the same without.
I'll burn with you and for you.
God save the "King".
cuz Lord knows he has the kind of stuff that looks like "my everything".
XIII...in my world, that means i love you. power that to the 13.

xoxo,
MiaMcK