Tuesday, January 17, 2012

DISASTERS IN DATING: fighting for love....

all i have ever wanted was someone that would fight for me.
ask me to stay.
show me that they want me as much as i want them.

i am tired of fighting for love.

i've never been this open. *sigh* here goes nothing.....

i chase my father.

i reach out to him. i call on him. i cry out for him.
and he never came....he never comes for me.

my dad never fought for me. never stayed for me. i always thought that if i loved him enough that he would love me enough.

never happened.

this is my daddy issue.

the one i thought i never had. but after 26 years i have finally discovered exactly what it is. i don't know how to change it, don't know how to conquer it.

i find myself loving too hard, loving too deep all in hopes of that person loving me juuuust enough.

i feel like im in a boxing ring fighting for love by myself.
packing bags of love, pretending to leave....wanting them to make me stay.

they let me go. they all let me go.

i love and i love and i love.
i open myself up, become vulnerable and get hurt.

im tired of fighting for love.

i want someone that will fight for me.
protect me.

because i am taking these gloves off, throwing in the towel....and stepping out of the ring.

love has beat me the fuck up.

im tired of fighting for love.


Thursday, January 12, 2012

DISASTERS IN DATING: done and done

"that l-o and that v-e is all that i believe in" -MiaMcK


i am absolutely and completely okay being done with my previous relationship. we have sucked every drop of "try again" out of US and we are done. craziest part of it all? it doesn't hurt. i feel nothing but relief. there were moments when i thought i lost me.....i wasn't lost though. i was silenced.

too many times he made me feel like things were my fault, but they weren't. an insecure man is someone i NEVER thought i'd end up with. but i did....lesson learned.

"when someone shows you who they are, believe them"

no really, BELIEVE THEM.

apologies, forgiveness, love, and a couple of good times will not change who they are at their core. so, BELIEVE THEM. i tried so so so so very hard to stick it out and fight for love. i can't fight for something or someone who was already defeated.

looking back, i went back for a reason. i had to see if i could do anything differently to make it work. i loved more, i communicated more, i listened more....and nothing. me being me was too much for that relationship.

i can't dim my light or my love. i can't neglect my essence all for the sake of an insecure man's ego.

such is life.

we live, learn, and love again.

chapter 13 is closed. *weight lifted*

i don't regret anything. i appreciate it all. learned A LOT. loved A LOT. i fulfilled my purpose in that relationship and came to the conclusion that the anointing on our lives are like oil and water, they don't mix.

6 months ago i would have never imagined writing these words, believing these words, or LIVING these words.

but here i am. a whole, healed, beautiful, and fully functioning person. how amazing is life? how amazing is God!!??!

"my heart is mended. i'm whole again. no chains are holding me. got my liberty, i am healed!"


Thursday, January 5, 2012

DISASTERS IN DATING: the next step....

we know we have it.
every single piece of the puzzle is here.
now, how do we turn the fragments into the bigger, more beautiful picture?

you said you were waiting for the BS to run its course..... the BS is gone.

what next?

we're the "better" that we both NEED.

i am ready when you are.

my beautiful Julian.


Tuesday, January 3, 2012


well hello there 2012!

i am so excited about another day, another year, another moment of LIFE!
how awesome is it that God saw fit that we continue on into 2012?
humbled. blessed. GRATEFUL!

i don't have any NY resolutions. there are just things that i began last year that i will continue doing.

the main thing, i will NOT press pause on my life for anyone. live for SELF. live for GOD.

i had gotten in the habit of sacrificing myself (wants, needs, desires, happiness, etc) for the sake of an "US" that was no longer...and for a "HIM" that wouldn't do the same for me.

what a way to live.

the end of 2011 i began to get back to just Mia. doing, saying, believing, loving, behaving in a way that is absolutely true to ME. and it feels AMAAAAAZING!

it wouldn't be fair to myself or the people in my life if i continued living in a way that was a lesser version of my truest self. so i stopped.

i can honestly say that the scariest thing is breaking the bonds of COMFORT.

a few weeks ago, someone extremely special to me told me some real sh*t. he said "you enjoy what you're used to a lot more than the actual act of being happy and that's a shame......you want comfort. i'm not something that i want you to be "used to" or "comfortable with". i want you to be happy. you havent learned that and i cant make you"

WOW! talk about a blow of truth. i had to take his words and seriously meditate on them. obviously he was right.

but now that i KNOW he was right....how do i become right?

for the first time in years, i said NO.
i made a conscious decision to put me first and truly recognize what's best for Mia.

it hurt so good.

what a way to start 2012...with a solid "NO".